


Journal

by adafrog



Category: La Femme Nikita
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 15:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 46,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adafrog/pseuds/adafrog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title:Journal June 4-<br/>Fandom:La Femme Nikita<br/>Rating: mostly PG <br/>Summary: a woman's descent into hell, then further into section.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June 4-June 19

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2001.

June 4  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!! oh my God, I can't believe this is happening!! Shit! Okay, I am breathing. in out okay.   
I can't believe this happened! I didn't mean to kill him he just came up to me and tried to attack me. I don't know what happened. I was protecting myself. Oh my God.  
This place is so awful, they are all looking at me, and I think that one woman wants to beat the shit out of me. Why!? OMG, I have no idea what's happening to me.  
This man came earlier and said that he was going to help me. I don't think he is telling the truth, he looked like he would rather be anywhere else. Fuck! what am I going to do? They have to believe me, don't they? 

June 5  
I woke up in jail today. I know why, but I still can't believe it. I keep hoping I will wake up and everything will be back the way it was. I want to be back at the house, working in the garden. Please, God, PLEASE let it be all a bad dream. Oh GOD, please!!!!  
The lawyer came today. He wants me to plead guilty, he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just another one of those trashy college girls who run around, causing trouble. He had no idea what really happened, and he doesn't care. I know I am going to prison, but I will NOT go down without a fight! 

June 6-  
I am so tired. no sleep last night because the woman in the bunk below kept throwing up. we went before the judge today, I would have been scared, but I was too tired to care. He looked at me like a hawk does the mouse. At least the lawyer plead not guilty for me, but I still don't think he is going to help me. I try not to think about being in prison for the rest of my life, because I start crying every time.   
The lawyer called my parents yesterday, they didn't want to come. They don't want me anymore. I know he was angry that I went away from home for college, but I never thought he would keep his promise to disown me. Did they ever love me?  
Oh God, I am so alone! 

June 7-  
Well, at least the food is getting better. Or maybe I am getting used to being here. Oh, I want to vomit at the thought of that, getting used to being in jail....please God, if you have any mercy, just let them see the truth! I will do anything, just let them see the truth!  
The lawyer came today, and said he wasn't going to represent me anymore. I told him that I could do better on my own. He laughed, his little weasel laugh-asshole. I wonder if he has to pay for sex. He said I couldn't represent myself, I had to have a lawyer. A new one would come tomorrow, a woman. Thank God, maybe she will understand. 

June 8-  
Fucking asshole!! I waited all day for the new lawyer to come. I finally had the officer call the legal aid center for me, and my EX-lawyer didn't even come in this morning. So they NEVER KNEW HE HAD CHANGED!!! Damnit! Luckily the woman was still available, and she is going to come out tomorrow. She sounds nice. I could use a nice person. All I see here are losers who think it is cool to beat each other up for cigarettes. Oh God, I want out of here!! I just wished someone cared about me......  
Stupid jerk, probably passed out in some ho's room. I hope he gets aids.

June 9-  
The new lawyer came today. She seemed nice, and really listened to me. I think she cared, or, at least, she is very good at faking it. I want to believe, I want to believe, but, I know, in my heart, that she doesn't care, either. No one does. Why should they.  
She understands what happened, but she said it will be hard for me to prove. Since Jack was SUPPOSED to be gay, and had never been violent before, that no one will believe my story. But it’s TRUE, I promise, it is true. I was just standing there, working in the garden, and he came up behind me, and .........AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH IT'S TRUE!!!!!  
She says they will think I was jealous of the things he had, because he was from a good family with money, and maybe I was frustrated he didn't want me. I never wanted him!! I never did. How could I??? Oh God, if only I had had a boyfriend, or something. Oh God, oh God. Please let them believe me!!! 

June 10-  
Yet another day in the pit of despair. The only way I stay sane in any fashion is to study the women around me. Covertly, of course. I've seen what happens when they like you, even in this lame @ss county jail. The puker is gone, only to be replaced by the whiner. I think she is coming down off of some drug high. I want the puker back, at least she was quiet in between.  
The trial is still a few weeks off. I don't know how I am going to survive until then. That is, assuming they believe me and let me out. I have to keep faith. I have to believe. My lawyer appears to be doing her best for me, maybe she will get me off. Maybe she will make them believe. Oh, please let her make them believe. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. 

June 14-  
They moved me to another jail. They said that I would be more comfortable there, and there was a law library, too. Whatever. Like I could read those books anyway. I think they just wanted the space for the drunks. Apparently they usually put people like me right in prison-saves them the trouble of finding a space for us after they railroad us-but since my trial is coming up so quickly, they made an exception. Gee, how kind of them.   
I do feel better, though. Could be the grass I cans see out my window. Or it could be that my lawyer comes every day for a few hours, and we work on my case. I don't want to trust her because I know she is part of the system, but I can't help it. She is so nice to me, and really acts like she wants to help me. I am even starting to get the feeling that I might just win this. But, no, don't get my hopes up. I need to think about something else.  
My family....mom and dad weren't so bad, now that I think of it. They just wanted to protect me, I suppose. Having done so well in school despite the shit the kids put me through gave them high hopes of having someone in the family who actually made something of themselves. Well, it's not going to be me anymore. I just wanted to be on my own, to go to a college that WOULD get me somewhere, not that crappy community college they wanted me to go to. Why did I pick THIS college? Why did I pick THAT house to live in? Why didn't I just live in one of the dorms like most freshmen? Because I'm stupid. Thought I was cool, and into the groove, and whatever else they said when I came. Cool now, aren't I? Now I see how frivolous all that was, how immature and banal. 

June 16-  
Stupid bitch who is my roommate used my journal to wipe her ass. I wanted to kill her. It is the only thing keeping me going now. Thinking I WILL be looking back on this one day as a really bad learning experience. lololol Oh, man, I think I am going as crazy as the rest of the people here. Didn’t say anything to her, though, because she is huge, and I don't particularly want to spend the next two weeks in the infirmary. Had to beg the lawyer to get me a new one. Luckily she did.   
The sky is a beautiful blue, with grass so green it looks like a painting. I can see some flowers, and trees. Birds flying from branch to branch. I wish I was a bird. Probably would get eaten. That's how it goes. No, I need to think positive. I just learned there is a gym here we can use. Maybe I will go there, and exercise, might help my brain to think about something else for a while. And if not, then I'll be able to kick ass if I get in a fight. 

June 17-  
I have been working out as much as I can. God, I am out of shape. I thought working in the garden all that time had helped. Oh well, I will keep working. Anything to forget that I am here. Not that you can forget, with guards watching you every second, especially in the weight room. Not like there are free weights. I suppose they think we will pick up the fucking rowing machine and use it as a weapon. Whatever.  
Everyone watches you here. They stand in the corners and watch, they walk along the hallways and watch, they sit in towers and watch. They watch on the video cameras while we take a piss. And those are just the guards. The other women are the worst. Berna, the big bitch down the hall, offered to take care of me if I would be her boyfriend. I almost said yes.   
Oh God, what am I doing here? What am I saying? Oh please, let this be wrong. I know they will believe me. I know it, I know it.... 

June 18-  
Only six more days to wait until the trial starts. Six days... I am so tired, I don't care anymore what happens to me. It feels like I have been here my whole life already, and it certainly won't be the same, even if I do get out. Maybe it would be better if I just wasted away here, apart from everyone I have ever known, away from those who are embarrassed by me.  
The window is dark, I can't see anything out of it. 

June 19-  
She didn't come today.   
I feel empty, like the inside of those tin soldiers I used to play with as a kid. They look so tough, but I could crush them with my boot. No substance. Just a shell.

I have got to get out of this funk. There are too many things happening for me to be wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself. I WILL be listened to. They WILL believe me. A few weeks from now, I will be back at home, laughing over all of this with my friends. They WILL believe me, won't they?  
You know, the food is better here.


	2. June 20-July 19

June 20-  
Oh, man, I have been here 16 days. Can you believe it?! Over two weeks. It feels like this is all I've even known. Oh, God, it almost makes me puke to think of it. I don't want to be here the rest of my life, PLEASE GOD LET THEM UNDERSTAND!! Oh, God, I need them to understand.  
The other women are starting to make me nervous, looking at me like I am a commodity. This one keeps talking to me every time we are in the cafeteria. I can't just ignore her, she sits next to me, and we can't get up once we sit down. Oh man, she gives me the creeps, always wanting to know where I am from and what I am doing, and do I have a boyfriend. Like it changes from one day to another!! I wish she would just leave me alone, I don't want her, I don't want her friends, I don’t want anyone, I just want OUT OF HERE!!!  
Four more days, just keep it together for four more days... 

June 21-  
Three days left. I am excited, and scared out of my mind. I know that those people will have control over my life. Absolute control-this isn't like in school where, sure, they could get you in trouble, and even kick you out of class, but your general life wasn't affected. Here, whether or not I ever get to walk free again is in the hands of twelve people who don't give a shit who I am. I want to walk in the middle of a rainstorm, squeeze mud between my toes, wander from stone to stone across a stream while the fish jump..... Oh God, please give me strength, and please give them understanding and mercy. Oh, please have mercy on me!! Please!!!!  
Last night I heard my mother singing to me, like she used to when I was little; when she loved me. I wonder if they will speak to me again if-WHEN I get out. 

June 22-  
We have been working on my case pretty hard these past few days. I can't decide if I want to cry with despair, or shout with happiness. It changes every time we go over some thing new. I am so exhausted already from this that I have no idea how I will survive the trial.   
What if I don't make it. What if...........I lose it. I can feel the edge of it, as it comes closer, and closer... Like a black storm cloud I can see in the distance, that comes closer and closer no matter what I do.  
I worked out again today. Only did 100 sit ups. I suppose I will have to try harder tomorrow. 

June 23-  
One more day. I feel like I am going to retch. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Try, try to sleep, or tomorrow will go just about as well as you feel. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Maybe I should have taken up yoga instead of karate. Oh, man, that's funny. I will need that to protect myself in prison.   
God, prison....oh, please, no.....it was an accident, all a mistake!! He came up, and........they won't believe me, will they? 

June 24-  
She was so nice and brought me a suit to wear in court. At least I look like a normal person. Not sure I feel like one. Court was so long today; all they did was make opening statements. It was so hard to remain composed while the prosecutor spilled his tale of lies about me. All of my old friends were there, sitting in the gallery, staring at me like I was some sort of alien. All they cared about was that Jack was dead, and they wouldn't believe that he was anything other than the saint he projected. FOOLS!!!! He attacked me, HE attacked ME!!!! They weren't even listening when Brenda gave her opening. I cried all the way back from the courthouse...   
Maybe I would be better off on the inside. At least there, you know where you stand. 

June 25-  
Another day in court. I suppose I will be wearing the same grey suit every day until I am convicted. I don't even know why they are bothering to even stage this farce, wouldn't it be easier to just pronounce me guilty and throw me away? I suppose they need this to make it all legal. The prosecutor is making Jack out to be a saint. Just because he let people live in his house cheaply, and took out the neighbor lady's garbage, he apparently is on the same level as Mother fucking Teresa. And for once, a big-wig father isn't trying to hide his son's sexuality. Figures, the one time it would be helpful for me.  
All of the guys were there again, looking at me like I was evil incarnate. You know, if they look at me like that much longer, I might just prove them right.  
No, no, I can't do that. I can't let them get to me. I must remember who I am. Of course, that begs the question...who am I? 

June 27-  
I can't take it anymore!!!! This morning I broke down, and the judge had to call a recess for me to compose myself. Hour after hour of lies and deceit. How wonderful can they make him sound, how awful can they make me look?? They have brought up things that were years ago, and yet everyone is buying it. No one is listening to how I was also kind and caring, and helped out in that damn garden just so Jack, and everyone else in that fucking house could have vegetables, and berries. I suppose that never really happened. What really happened was that I moved in intent on catching Jack for myself, and when he wouldn't take me, I killed him. Apparently that's what really happened, so I should just face it, and kill myself now! Spare them the time and money they're spending on my little worthless ass, so they can go back, and play golf at their fancy clubs, and smoke $20 cigars, talking about how they got away with covering their sons' activities-even the dead ones, apparently. Oh no, my son couldn't have done that, he's a Blakely. Oh, so if my name isn't Blakely, or Kennedy, or Rockefeller, I must then be useless, and uncouth, and violent?? Boy do they have a skewed view of the world. Their world, I guess, since their view is the one that prevails; my view, unskewed as it may be, is the incorrect one, the one that is flawed. God help us. God help this world, that something like this can happen-that the rich are covered no matter what, and innocent victims go to jail.  
Oh God, give me peace, give me serenity, give me the courage to not kill myself. 

June 29-  
Yesterday I hyperventilated, and had to spend most of the day in the infirmary. I think I am developing some sort of heart condition. They want me to take these pills to help calm me down. Yah, right, like I am going to take something they are giving me. Do they think I'm stupid?! I would think that it's normal to feel a bit anxious at one's execution, er trial. Whatever. They want a shrink to come evaluate me, think I am going over the edge. Baby, I was there a long time ago!  
I am so happy today. A whole day of rest. No one saying awful things about me, noone glaring, and sanding hate messages with their eyes. The sound of my roommate snoring away her life actually is soothing somewhat. Sad, isn't it? Well, when you are living in hell, even a drop of water can be refreshing.  
Still a little tired-takes a bit to recover from that emotional drain in the courtroom. I worked out as hard as I could for four hours. Then I meditated the rest of the day. Birds in the distance are calling...to those of their kind who are caged. 

June 30-  
Maybe this whole terrible nightmare will be over tomorrow. It's a new month. A new start. Maybe not; I guess that old imaginary world doesn't have much weight here, does it? When I was a kid, I used to go out to the creek, and pretend I was a pirate, sailing down the seas through treacherous waters. Or I was an explorer, discovering new lands, meeting new people and creatures. The world looked a lot different then; everything was clear and free. Now it's all dirty, and trapped. Even if I weren't in here, it would still be that way. Adults think that as we get older we become more free. No, we're wrong. It's the children who are truly free; they have the freedom to be who and what they are, to explore and imagine without reservation, and love without prejudice. Adults are bound by jobs, bills, family; our imaginations have been tethered by this 'real life', our love attenuated by hate and prejudice, the whole world colored by greed. I think if I were God, I would blow up the world and start over.   
My pillow is wet from crying. I should be dehydrated by now with all of this...ah, a laugh, that's good.   
Working out today, I finally looked in the mirror and was shocked by what I saw. Not the red streaks form crying, or the gaunt face, but the muscles...I never knew I had them.   
Not thinking about tomorrow. 

July 1-  
A new day, a new month. Four more days until independence day-not for me. For someone, perhaps. I hope. There has to be hope somewhere, doesn't there?  
The shrink came to see me today. Though he would just throw some drugs at me and leave-can't have the prisoner committing suicide before they can kill me. But I foiled his plans...managed to act pretty darn sane. hahaha That's a great feat of acting because as we all know, I am far from that. I think he started to listen to me a little. Asked about my home, childhood, how I had done in school. I gave him the standard replies, no need to go personal on him. Besides, he doesn't really care. He's got this crappy job with crappy pay, and is just biding his time until he can get the hell out to somewhere normal. He said he was coming back tomorrow. Whatever, man, knock yourself out.  
The sky outside is dark, lots of clouds. I think it is going to be a huge thunderstorm. Maybe it will block out the screams in my head. 

July 2-  
Well, what do you know, he did dome back today. Surprised the hell out of me. So far the only one who has come to see me is my lawyer, and she pretty much has to, or will get thrown in jail for contempt of court. Okay, that wasn't really funny, I know she is trying to help me. Well, I think she is trying to help me. It's just that there's not much you can do when up against the system.   
So, he asked me the same damn questions as yesterday. Made me laugh. I suppose he knew better than to accept the lame answers I gave him. He may be alright; I don't mind spending some time on him-as long as it doesn't interrupt the workouts. I really need those. This time I threw him a bone or two. Told him about how I had done well in high school, but never really had any friends. They were always so mean to me, I just avoided them. I suppose there were a few other outcasts that I would hang with at lunch, but nothing to write home about. He wanted to know about my family. I just laughed; if I wouldn't have, I would have cried. I don't want to think about that right now. You know, he didn't mention medicine today at all. huh, I suppose they will fire him for that. Gotta make sure to medicate the crazy ones. But after all that I've seen in my short eventful life, I know that us crazy people are the most sane. 

July 3-  
Numb, I feel numb. There is nothing left inside of me worth worrying about. I'm just an empty shell, waiting to be swept away by the tide. Where is my soul, my heart, anything, anything at all?? I just woke up, and it wasn't there, only emptiness filled the space. Is this what happens when you die-just feel empty as you slip away? It's not so bad. I think I could deal with that. The painful part might be how it's done, but the pain would go away forever afterwards. Of course, there's no pain now, either. Does it make sense to be here, then, this empty shell? It's just taking up space and resources others could be using.   
He came today, but only for a few minutes, apparently he has to go out of town, and won't be back until Saturday. I suppose that's for the best. He's really just wasting his time on me, anyway. Maybe I will save him the trouble, and not be here when he gets back. I will, of course, leave him a note, so he won't feel responsible. I'm starting to like him, and I wouldn't want him to feel responsible. It's really no one’s fault. Not really. When the system is involved, there is no one to blame.  
I got beat up in the weight room today. Apparently I used a machine another girl wanted, so her gals held me while she used me for a punching bag. I'm pretty sure I could have knocked them all down, but I didn't. I finally felt something.  
Maybe the bruises will be gone by the time I have to go back into court Monday. On the other hand, maybe it would help me look like a poor wimpy old girl. Yah, right. They'd just use it to say how violent I am-got in a fight. Right, a fight implies two people, and the ones holding don't count.  
Brenda starts my defense on Monday. I will pray for her, I know she wants to do well. 

July 4-  
Independence Day. Day of Independence. Fourth of July. It's been a month since I lost my independence. Since the day everything happened. In one minute, less than a minute, I went from a promising young college student to a throwaway in prison. How does that happen? I mean, I know how it happens, but why does one's life go from great to shit in one second? Whatever. All of this critical thinking crap isn't going to get me anywhere. I suppose I just write it because I have nothing but time. Makes me feel better too, I suppose. That I can still think; reminds me that I am a real person.  
So, enjoy the fireworks, everyone. You never know when they will be your last. 

July 5-  
I could see people driving to work this morning. I had to look far out past the forest. The cars looked like little bugs, floating along an invisible line. I will never be one of those people. Never have a house, and a car, and a husband with whom I will not have 2.5 children and a dog. We won't go to the in-laws for holidays, and to the zoo on Sundays. We won't have disagreements over money and time spent at work. I suppose it's good, saving me from all of that. This way, I don't have to go anywhere, get all of my meals served to me, have access to television, work out equipment, and health care. Why, it's better than welfare! haha oh, man.   
My roommate now is this chick that thinks she is so 'bad'. Whatever. She's in here for stealing something stupid-I wanted to slap her. But her reaction was kind of funny when I told her what I was in for. She at least respects me now. The tougher you are-well, the tougher you act-the better it is for you. Is that wrong? 

July 7-  
Oh God this place is boring!! I can't believe people can sit and rot in here for years. No wonder they all go crazy. I don't think I could handle being on the outside after a few years of this. Things go by so quickly out there, and so slowly in here.   
What can I do to keep sane? OH God, they have to get me out of here!! Oh PLEASE, just let them understand!!! Please, GOD, help me!!! help me........ 

July 8-  
Brenda started her defense today. To me it sounds good, but I'm not the one she needs to convince. Not right now, anyway. I couldn't tell if they were listening, or not. At least they weren't sleeping.   
He came back tonight. Asked me how I was doing. Is that a shrink question, or what? I wonder how long he will waste his time with me. It is the only thing I have to look forward to anymore; we get to discuss all sorts of things. No, not just about me, but I did throw him a few more bones. I told him about the time I was walking home from school and a group of kids cornered me. They were all bigger, and looked so angry-no idea why, I guess just because I was there. They pushed my books out of my hands, and beat me up. When I got home, I told them I had fallen during PE. They didn't care, anyway. Why are the evil ones always protected? 

July 9-  
I woke up this morning in a sweat. Had this awful dream about being inside a building without any windows, trapped. Nowhere to go, no space to walk or stand. Then I woke up here, and realized it wasn't a dream after all.   
When he came today, I didn't tell him anything. He wanted to know why I was so quiet, but finally gave up. He left after a while. It's better for him, to not care about me. Then he won't get hurt when I am sent to prison. If I can harden everything inside as much as possible, maybe it won't hurt as much... 

July 10-  
Just when I think I can trust someone, and that they will really do something for me, it all goes to shit again. I can't believe I trusted again; I wasn't going to do it, and then he wormed his way in, making me think that he was interested in me for who I was, and not to use me, or to trick me. I'm not sure if he set out to make me a fool, but he sure succeeded well. He sure did. Really, though, I am mad at myself. I mean, I am the one who let him in; I am the one who trusted him; I am the one who set aside any semblance of protection, and opened up to be made a fool.  
Why can't I just once make a right decision? Why can't they just once give me an easy road, just for a little while? Oh, God, why am I such a fool!?!?  
Never again.   
I hope. 

July 11-  
He came to apologize today. I wouldn't speak to him. He said that he and my lawyer just wanted to see if I was sane, and that it would have been a good defense if he could have proved that I wasn't. Like anyone is ever sane; like we ever understand this world.   
He looked kind of sad when I wouldn't talk to him, he's a great actor.  
What do you do when your world is falling apart? Would anyone notice if I wasn't here tomorrow. 

July 12-  
She finished her defense today. Sitting there listening, I am not sure which story I would believe. Which way did it happen? History is only as good as the tales we tell. If the jury decides it happened that I killed him out of spite, then that's what happened, no matter what I say, from here until....well, until no one cares any longer. Which may just be the day after the trial. Won't help me then.  
He came by again today. I told him I was disappointed, and hurt to my very marrow. My hollow shell had been partially filled with his interest, but with the betrayal, it just shattered. I am glad I won't have to trust anyone anymore, I don't think I could do it. 

July 13-  
Today was great! I was able to bench press 140 pounds! I never thought I would be able to do anything like that. Wild. Of course, it begs the question, what, exactly, am I getting in shape for. Which would be a good question. For sitting on my ass for the next forty years, and protecting myself from other women who want my peach cobbler. hahahaha Oh, I have to laugh, have to laugh, or I will go crazy.  
He didn't stop by today. I'm glad.  
No, I'm not. But it's better this way. 

July 14-  
Oh, I am so tired today, I could barely get out of bed. They were going to make me go to the infirmary, but I managed to fake enough activity that they left me alone.   
I feel like I have hit the end, and there is nothing there, well, nothing good. Staring death in the face would be better than life with nothing.   
At first I thought he was going to help me-I wanted to believe it. Then I saw how he really was; acting my friend just to get close enough to get what he wanted. Now he comes by and is so cordial and friendly, as if nothing has ever happened, like he had never betrayed my trust. Does he really think I am that stupid?! Like I am going to tell him all of my secrets, and let him have a stake in my future. I just smiled and nodded, gave him a few answers I thought he would like, then made sure he left quickly.   
No wonder they have him as the prison shrink. I'm sure he can get people to believe almost anything. Before I wouldn't believe something like that, but now.....now nothing surprises me. 

July 15-  
They gave their final statements today. Not sure which one I believe. If I were a juror sitting there, either one would have been fairly convincing. You know, there is the slightest whiff of hope, but I know I should let it go. Let it drop into the void where all my dreams and plans have gone. There is no place for that here. 

July 16-  
I don't know what to say. I....I am..... I just don't know what to say. Are there words that will lend themselves to me for the purpose of conveying to whomever reads this journal at a later time exactly what I am feeling at this particular moment? I'm not sure they would be seen with me, those words. That is, if I knew how I felt. 

July 17-  
Well, I am leaving this dump for good. No more jail for me. No more annoying roommate who thinks the world revolves around her. No more stupid guards who peek in on us while we are showering. No more looking out at the forest in the distance, wishing I were one of the birds flying in and out of the trees diving and playing.  
Now I will be moving to a brand new, state of the art correctional facility for murderers. They will stuff me in a little cage to rot until such time as they believe I am rehabilitated. When that will be, well, probably about the time I am old enough to need Depends.   
Life in prison. Life. Life in p r i s o n. That rolls off the tongue so easily. The tongue of someone who doesn't have to live inside a little concrete box for the rest of their lives for something they did in order to save themselves. 

July 18-  
This prison is huge!! There must be thousands of women here, all closed up in their cells. I can't imagine what it is like around here with 2000 women PMSing.God forbid.   
At least there is a weight room, and I will be able to go there a lot. We are supposed to have jobs; I guess they want us to work for the privilege of being locked up in their terrarium. Luckily, no one else wanted to clean the weight room. At least there I can stay away from most of the other bitches here. However, I will have to deal with the stronger ones. Oh, man, I guess I'm not that smart. haha No, the other women there looked like me-trying to stay out of the way of everyone else. 

July 19-  
I am so happy we all have our own little hovels. The women here are awful. They are the worst of the worst. I can't believe these people ever walked free; hateful, lying, vindictive. This afternoon alone three stabbings occurred, in maximum security. I can't believe it. Not sure what happened, but I am sure it wasn't worth being placed in solitary. After only one day here, I have already heard the stories about that place. Horrible.


	3. July 20-Day 29

July 20-  
One day turns into the other, and still they are the same. I wake up having had dreams of fair skies and meadows. The feel of a cool breeze on my face, the smell of the morning after an evening rain.   
From my window I see concrete and buildings. All enclosed by a wire fence, decorated with razors and fine jolts of electricity. In between are men held high on pedestals to overlook the myriad of wild animals enclosed. In case one escapes or misbehaves, they have a multitude of weapons and chemicals at their disposal. Usually something very painful, yet not quite deadly is chosen.  
The world is anything but fair; the attitude anything to be cruel.  
Why am I here? I am so depressed. 

July 21-  
It is so weird. Looking back over yesterday's entry, there is a line in there I don't recognize. I mean, it's my handwriting, but I know I didn't write it. No one else comes in here, well, occasionally a guard might, but why would a guard do that? They are into more subtle forms of terror, such as beatings and rapes. What happened? I suppose there is the possibility that I am going crazy-it's not beyond thought, but for me to honestly not know...no, well......I hope not. If it really was me, I pray to God that I go quickly.  
I will, I will go quickly. 

July 22-  
It happened again! Really, this is getting to be too much. I promise I am not crazy, I am as sane as....well, as sane as anyone can be in this infested rat hole. I'm getting scared, this is truly starting to worry me. How did these words get into my journal?!?! How? I don't understand, what did I do...what are they doing....why to me.....why.....I wish they would just come in and beat the shit out of me like they do everyone else they don't like. Oh please, make this stop! Please, God, free me from this terrible nightmare!!  
I will be free. I will be free soon! Peace........ 

Day 2-  
I'm dead. At least, that's what they told me. A man came in to my room. Only it wasn't my room, it was a place with no walls, not that I could see from where I was lying. I woke, and was lying on a hard bed; I tried to get up, but something was holding me down. My head was spinning, so it was hard to see what it was. I just laid back, and let it happen. It had to be a dream, looked like a dream, felt like a dream, and it wasn't prison. If it was, it was a prison unlike any I've seen before. A man walked in and said something to me; I didn't understand at first, but he came closer, and repeated himself. His name was....what was his name...I was having trouble thinking, trouble remembering. He sat me up, then showed me a picture. Oh my God, a picture of a cemetery. Oh, it was the one back home, and mom and dad were there! Oh fuck! It had to be a dream! They were there, and sis, some of my teachers from school....they were crying over a grave. My grave. my....grave....no, no it wasn't real. I am NOT DEAD! How can I be?? I committed suicide in prison, overdosed on medication, a few days after being convicted of murder, and condemned to live the rest of my life in a 5x7 cell. Oh God, tell me it's all a dream!! Please God!!  
He said I would work for them. Work for them? Doing what?? How? Why? Who are these people? He slapped me, said to pay attention. Didn't he know I couldn't? Didn't he know my head was reeling.....but from what? If I didn't want to work for them, they would put my body in the grave for real.  
I am so scared. I have no idea where I am. Please let it be a dream...please let it be a dream.....it has to be. Only....I'm still here. 

Day 3-  
Well, I think it is. There are no windows in this place. No doors to the 'outside' that I can see. No clocks, or any other way to tell the passage of time. Just a voice over a speaker telling us when to go to sleep, get up, where to go, when to eat. It's like prison, except...the walls are invisible. Sure, there are locks on the doors, but no bars. All of our little rooms are enclosed in a special area behind a screen-locked, of course. But what's keeping me here isn't the locks, so much as the knowledge-that if I tried to leave, it would not be a pleasant suicide; for suicide it would be. They don't overtly threaten you, but it's there.  
Robert came to see me today. That's his name, Robert. Kind of stuffy, and it fits him. I'll bet if I had the courage to joke with him, he would have no sense of humor.   
He took me to see this woman, named Madeline. She just looked at me, and smiled. I don't trust her. 

Day 4-  
I have decided that every time I wake up, that will be a new day. A day I am alive-whether it is a blessing or a curse, I am not yet sure. This place...this place is a mystery; what is it, where is it, who are they? Robert told me it's called section one. Whatever that means. The king of unhelpful answers, that's Robert. I'm not sure I could trust anything he said, anyway. Although since he is the only one here that speaks to me I listen to what he says.  
Oh, I'm so alone. Only now that I think about it before going to sleep does it really make me cry. Everyone I've ever known is gone. Or, they think I'm gone. What right do they have to take everyone away from me!!!! What makes them think they can do this!?!? How dare they!!   
Not that prison was a good place, or that my family cared-but they came to the funeral, would they have come to see me, eventually?   
They run us through like the army recruits I've seen on the TV. It helps, I guess, no time to think. 

Day 5-  
My brain is full. Today before lunch we had a classroom lesson; apparently they want us to learn something besides karate. So much information, oh man. I am so happy I was a good student. We started with basics, like reading maps, and working with computers. Then more complicated things-politics and military theory. The instructor said we would have these sessions every day now, on various subjects. But I am a little worried about the tests...if you fail, the price is probably a lot more than a trip to the principal's office.   
Robert didn't come by today, I suppose he had the day off, or something. Do you get days off here? And what would you do if you had one? It's not like there's a nearby park, or bar or something. Will I ever see those things again? And what do they want with us? Do they mean to just teach us to fight, and then throw us out somewhere to be killed? Oh God, the thought terrifies me. Oh, please no. I know I killed, I know it, but it was to protect myself. Oh please, I don't deserve to die. I don't! Oh please God.  
Wait a minute, if that's all they wanted, why would they be teaching us theory? 

Day 6-  
I am exhausted. I would hazard a guess that it has been two days since I was last able to even lay down, not to mention get any sleep whatsoever. We had a regular day-practicing karate, learning to shoot, and trying to absorb all of the information they throw at us in the classroom. But then, just when we usually get to go back to our cells, Robert came and got me. Said something important was going on, and that we needed to-how did he put it-sift through some intel?   
That turned into him directing me while I went through screen after screen on the computer, looking for anything that matched this guy we were looking for. I have no idea what it was all about, or even what we did. At this point, I am too tired to care. Why use me, anyway? I don't know anything. Just a stupid jailbird. Or, was....not a clue what I am now. Not a clue. 

Day 7-  
Not that I really have any idea what day it is. Or even if it IS day; although I know it is day somewhere. I suppose here it is whatever day they say it is-we're not in any position to argue.  
So, who's 'we'? haha We are a motley group, that's for sure. There are five of us in all, in my group, anyway. Other people are here being trained, but they seem to be more advanced than us-not sure how far, I think it varies. But we're not really encouraged to speak to anyone, and not allowed to speak to anyone not in our group. Lovely place, eh? Is that because they don't want us to know what horrors lay ahead? I shiver to think of what may happen, so I try not to. Hope lies in the fact that they are spending so much time teaching us theory and politics. 

Day 8-  
Robert came and got me this morning. He had a cut on his cheek, but wouldn't tell me where it came from. I wonder if it had anything to do with the stuff we were looking up the other day. But, old tight lips isn't about to tell me anything, so I can just make up whatever story I want. You know, my one pleasure in this place is annoying him. Not dumb enough to really piss him off, but he is SO EASY to annoy. Not many pleasures around here.  
So, he retrieved me after breakfast, and took me to meet Madeline again. Still don't trust her, but she was kind of fun today. Sat me down, and did my makeup, and hair, then chose some very nice dresses for me to put on. Wow, I didn't know who was in the mirror. She said I need to learn to use my body - as a weapon. What does she mean by that-are they going to make me prostitute myself? They won't, no way! They can all kiss my ass if that's what they think!!!!  
Alec and I sparred in karate today. I beat him-wohoo!! He was so into himself. 

Day 9-  
Don't we ever get a day off in this place? It's starting to get monotonous, one day after another. The only thing that breaks it up is Robert coming to work with me. Not that he is a fun guy to be with, but he at least talks to me, and allows me to ask questions. Hardly ever answers them, but I can ask. Of course, what would we do with a day off here? Hmmmm......  
I'm starting to like the classroom work a lot. They have even let me help some of the others, which is nice. Especially because if they fail, they will have 2 less recruits. I am not going to think about what will happen to them; I know, but I refuse to think about it. Robert tells me to not get attached to any of them. What does he know? How can you just close off yourself from people, especially when you are working together trying to stay alive in this dump. We're human, humans NEED contact!!! Doesn't he get it? He must have been born on Mars, or something. haha That's fairly amusing, maybe I'll work that in tomorrow.   
In karate today I noticed someone watching us. I have no idea who he was, but he seemed stuffy enough to be someone important, and even Robert was deferring to him. I hope he doesn't come back. He scares me. 

Day 10-  
Another all night escapade with Robert. This time it was looking through several pages of men, trying to find one with the right set of characteristics. Don't they have computers to do this stuff?? You would think, the way this place looks, that they would have the latest technology. Hmm....maybe it's a government run project...that would make sense.   
I am so tired today; worse than I was the last time he kept me up. Maybe it was the monotony of the faces-I swear, after the first 100, they all looked the same to me. He got a little angry with me when I said that; he tried to cover, but I could hear his frustration with me. It's good for him, I may be the only interesting thing in his life! Yah, right.

Day 11-  
I have a feeling all of my entries are starting to sound alike. Of course, that's because all of my days are alike. We get up, practice karate, go to the shooting range, go to the classroom, back to the gym for strength or cardiovascular, or whatever workout they have decided to torture us with, then a few hours to study, then to bed. Bed is early, too-I don't see why, it's not like we have anywhere to be. But they wear us out so much that we really have no choice but to fall into our beds, exhausted.   
I know it's only been, what, two weeks or so, but I am starting to wonder how long I can keep this up. Oh man, only two weeks! It feels like forever, like there's never been anywhere but here. Almost like I belong here. Oh my God, is it true, do I belong here?!?! Oh please no, let me out, let me be anywhere but here, let me go!!! Please, let me go!!!! 

Day 12-  
Oh gee, another day in the bowels of hell. Oops, was that an opinion? Man, it is starting to sound like prison-lots of complaining, and not much doing. I am so sick of these people!!!! I tried to help Joe with the calculations we have been doing, and he wasn't even trying, just whining about how he never got math, and what is going to happen if he doesn't get it, and bla bla bla. ARGH!!! Sure, it's confusing at first, but once you think about it, it isn't hard...calculating distances, and heights, triangulating coordinates....it's actually kind of fun, and breaks up the monotony of the place.   
I asked Robert what happens if someone doesn't do well in training. He didn't really answer me. Joe's not all that bad after all, maybe I should try harder to help him. 

Day 13-  
Madeline called me in to her office today. For some reason they let me walk there all by myself. I wonder where Robert was. He's okay, I'm sure.  
She sat me down, and told me I had to learn to act like a lady-whatever the hell that means. Like I'm a man now?? Apparently they give charm school lessons here, as well, which I would have thought was funny had she not looked so serious.   
We started on standing, walking, sitting, and how to look at people-what ever. Don't you turn toward them, and open your eyes? argh! Well no, you are supposed to use your eyes to bring them in, and work into their subconscious.......Why do I feel like I'm in the twilight zone? 

Day 14-  
I'm not sure how to feel. One part of me wants to scream in protest, and another part of me wants to let it go, and not bother with it; just smooth things over so there is no stress. No waves, the key is to not make waves. Ideally if you can stay under their radar, you would be safe. But safe from what?  
Joe didn't show up to karate this morning, which initially didn't bother us because he had had a minor injury yesterday, and thought they were making him rest. But when he didn't come to class, we knew something was wrong. After lunch, Rebecca passed by his room, and he wasn't there-none of his stuff was there.   
The rest of the day we were numb. Maybe that's a good way to be here-numb. Don't care about anyone, or anything, just do what they say, and maybe you won't get hurt. But I know that's not true. As far as I know, he tried to do what they said, didn't he?   
No one asked what happened; no one wants it to happen to them.  
I asked Robert about it-hoping he wouldn't tell anyone, but he just looked at me with those cold blank eyes of his. That is the first time since I woke up here that I had chills-of fear.  
God please protect me. 

Day 15-  
I think I would get exhausted just by the number of emotions I run through in a day. I am excited, thrilled, rushing with adrenaline as we spar in karate, then focused and controlled during firearms practice, then open and interested during classroom work. Not to mention the fear-of the upper level people, of what they will do to us, even if we succeed in this training venture. And the guilt-if I just would have helped Joe, he might be here right now. The sorrow-for the life I lost, even the life in prison, while filled with stress and brutish guards and other prisoners, still held some promise for a life, and eventual probation. The life I lost through an attack from the person I least expected it from, who should have been anything but aggressive.   
I would have been a sophomore in college this year-I could have been out there on the quad, listening to the granolas complaining about global warming as they drove their brand new SUV's to school every day. I could be heading out to the party dorm, hanging out, watching movies while smoking weed-not that I ever did that, never had the chance. But I would, if I got out, I would do everything. That's the problem with having your life end so quickly, you never get the chance to do the things you've always thought about. If I had it to do all over again, I would say yes to a lot more opportunities. Regret isn't for the things I have done, no, it's for the things I never did; because I didn't have the chance, because I was too scared, because I thought it was silly... Life is too short, and you never know when it will end. When you are young, you think there is always a tomorrow...but that's just not true.....it's not true. 

Day 16-  
In class they have been talking about psychology, and how it works. I know at some point they will probably tell us how to use it against people, but I'll bet they either won't tell us very much, or only tell us after they have indoctrinated us into their system. Not that we could use it against them, they probably invented it.  
I have been thinking about those entries in my journal while I was in prison; the ones I was sure I didn't write. Perhaps, and this is a very big perhaps, they planted them there to make it easier for people to believe I had committed suicide. But it is hard to get inside a prison, for one thing, and for another, how could they copy my handwriting so well. Even I couldn't tell the difference.   
On the other hand, if they were able to fake my suicide, they obviously were able to make it inside the prison, and had quite a bit of leeway. But I am fairly sure those were written in the daytime while I was gone. So for them to have broken in for several days to write in my journal would have been too much of a risk; I would think for even the best thief. The better explanation is that they have or had someone working on the inside, perhaps a guard, or someone else...like a psychiatrist...I knew he was an asshole!! I'll bet he was working for them! And his discussions with me were to determine if I was potential material for them or not.   
And if they forged my handwriting, and have someone on the inside of the prison, then they must get all of their operatives from there. Does that mean that we are expendable?! Or just that no one would care if we disappeared. So even the bigwigs here are convicts?  
That's an interesting thought. I wonder if it can be used in any way... 

Day 17-  
Robert gave me the strangest look this afternoon when I asked him what he had done to get in here. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. He'll probably tell the wicked witch, and I'll get slammed for it. Yesterday Rebecca disagreed with the instructor, and while they were sparring he broke her leg. I know it was on purpose. The scary thing is, they reset it, and made her get back to work today.   
Well, I don't care, they can't hurt me. I've already had everything I ever loved taken away from me, so live or die, same thing. 

Day 18-  
Ha, they thought they were going to get a meek little girl. Not from me, they won't! The instructor today was apparently trying to quell any further outbreaks of independent thought, and I gave him what for. But not in any overt way, no, not that stupid. I managed to one up him during our sparring. I couldn't believe it, really but I was so into what we were doing, that it just seemed natural.   
He looked a bit miffed, but there was nothing he could do, just bow out, and on to the next victim. The others didn't quite get off so lucky, but at least all they got were bumps and bruises, not fractured limbs.   
Robert actually smiled at me briefly right after the match. Maybe he has something inside that tin body of his after all. 

Day 19-  
The wicked witch called me into her office again today-had to miss part of firearms practice. I thought she was going to tear into me with her claws, but all she did was talk to me about table manners, and test me on my poise. She makes me nervous; there is no way she cannot know about everything we do, and yet she hasn't said word one. Some day, it's all going to come down, I know it-and we won't be happy when it does. She is dangerous. 

Day 20-  
The days go on and on in endless succession. I think there really is no 'real' world, just some fairy tale that is made up by disgruntled recruits. Or maybe it is some dream world that comes to us at night. Life is section, section is life. Or, anti-life. As there is an anti-matter, there is an anti-life. A black hole of energy that sucks every fiber of your humanity from your being.  
In firearms today, we started using targets. Several of them were arrayed across the wall, and we were to hit those that we were told to hit; not the ones that looked suspicious. Several of them were children. I think they want to harden us-make us immune to killing. It's not going to work. I may have killed once out of self preservation, but I WILL NOT do it per orders. I WILL NOT kill children, and other innocent victims. 

Day 21-  
Robert cornered me this afternoon, and gave me a 'talk'. Apparently my attitude about firearms practice has been noticed-not sure by whom. I doubt the instructor, he seems to be oblivious to anything except his guns. Must have been Robert watching again. He is so mysterious; some times he will quietly watch our training, and other times he is nowhere to be seen. So far, he hasn't had any part in our physical training. I get the feeling, though, that he is just responsible for me-he doesn't talk to anyone else. I wonder if they have their own guy to be their 'mommy'. That's funny, but I doubt he would appreciate it.   
Although I could tell he was irritated by my attitude, he was very calm and quiet while he was berating me. Actually, he did a very good job not making me angry at him while trying to get me to understand 'their' way of thought. I know it's 'their' way because he kind of went blank when he said it. I suppose we all give up something to do this job. He may actually have a good person hiding inside there. But I wouldn't hold my breath. 

Day 22-  
They have been teaching us French in class the last few days. Apparently they think it is beneficial to be able to speak more than one language. That does assume, of course, that one already speaks a language. Some of these guys...I swear. So, now Robert is starting to talk to me in French. It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I can't understand half of it, and have to keep asking him to repeat himself, and what this word or that word means. He may have patience, but mine is wearing thin. And what's with these male and female words!? Who the heck decided that a book had a sex? Hmm.....but it is kind of pretty to listen to. I think Robert caught on to the fact that I was listening, but not paying attention when he told me to look out for the box on the floor, and I fell over it. oops-hehe 

Day 23-  
Yet another all nighter with the king of cool. This time he had me sitting with him, translating documents from French to English. Oh, man, and I thought trying to read bad handwriting in my OWN language was hard! And he had no mercy! I'd hate to be on the wrong end of this guy; if this is the way he is when it's just something like translation, what would he be like with something even more important?!   
Luckily this morning we had a good sparring session in karate so that I could get out all of my frustration. ARGH!   
I really love karate-it is beautiful and strong. And when we do forms, it is so peaceful. Sometimes when I am feeling upset and frustrated, I'll do them in my room; it helps me to focus on something other than this rotten place. 

 

Day 24-  
I am getting the weirdest feeling from Robert-like he is testing me, but covertly. I know I have been doing well in all of our classes-yes, even firearms-so why would he worry? Even my attitude has been better lately, I have been very good at hiding whatever frustration or opposition I have been feeling. At least I think I have.   
And then this evening after dinner, he brought me over to the supplies station to look at some equipment. It was kind of weird having him show me all of this stuff like I knew what to do with it. The operative who ran the place was great; he made me feel comfortable, and even made me smile. He's an older guy, looks kind of like he was a hippie.  
What is Robert up to?

Day 25-  
Okay, so today was a basic day just like any other. I am so confused; this is the weirdest place!! I guess you should never assume anything is going to happen just because you plan for it. ha But I will continue to try to figure out what IS going on. It's one of the only things that is keeping me occupied.   
More targets in forearms today. I hate to admit it, but I am not having as much trouble firing at the targets they want us to.

Day 26-  
I am exhausted tonight. This morning they woke us up early, and took us out to a place they kept calling the farm. It would have been nice to see the view on the way, but we had to travel in a van with dark windows. I guess they didn't want us to be able to find our way home in case they decided to abandon us.  
The 'farm' as they called it is a huge building in the middle of nowhere. It is full of all sorts of weird stuff, most of it I didn't really recognize. Outside-in a fenced in area, of course-it looks pretty much like the boot camps do on TV. When we saw that, we knew what we were in for. And we were right-several hours of running up walls, swinging over mud pits, and crawling under barbed wire. Woop. e. Although it was kind of fun when we had to climb the side of a building with these cool motorized pulleys, and then slide off down a line back to the ground.   
Oh, but I am sore. I have a feeling I won't be able to walk tomorrow. 

Day 27-  
I was right, today was awful! In karate, he had us do a lot more stretching, and quiet strengthening than usual. I guess they really are looking out for us, after all. Our bodies, anyway-can't use an injured operative. And while I know they tend to...weed out the chaff, I can't see that they have enough to just go using us up at random. They wouldn't do that, would they?  
I get so scared about what we are going to be doing after all of this. They haven't really said how long the training will be. Well, Robert said something about two years right at first, but it feels so long ago that he said that, and I was so scared, and still under the effects of the drugs. No one has mentioned it since. 

Day 28-  
J'ai avait cette reve la nuit passee.......er I had this dream last night. I think it was in French. ha-they must be piping it in to our rooms, or something. That's scary-I wonder what else they are doing to us while we sleep.  
You know, that was supposed to be funny, but now that I think about it... 

Day 29-  
Well, at least now I understand Robert when he talks to me. It's kind of scary how quickly I learned french-what are they doing to us while we sleep?   
No one really cares about us here. I mean, sure they want us to work for them, but if it were someone else as opposed to me, they wouldn't be upset at all. Even Robert, I know he wants to get me through, but it's probably just because he looks better when I do well. No appreciation, no love, not even a pat on the back for doing well-I can't believe we live this way. I am so lonely tonight; why have they taken us from our families?! Why do they expect us to live without any human companionship?! Do they truly think that if they bring us along like this that we are going to become effective operatives?? Or maybe they don't care. I suppose if we are somewhat unstable, it makes us more likely to kill whomever they tell us to. Or if we finally harden enough to not give a shit about anyone, then I guess we don't care what happens to our teammates.   
Will I finally harden to become someone like the witch? Will I turn in my closest friends because I am told to, or because they say the wrong thing? Where the hell are we-this is NOT Nazi Germany!  
I just want out of here. Please?


	4. Day 30-49

Day 30-  
Yesterday we went out to the farm again. This time we worked inside at first, learning how to enter rooms with hostiles inside. That was kind of fun, until I remembered that in real life, they'll have real guns. It's harder than you might think; not just busting the door open and shooting. ha. You have to listen, and be ready to go at a second's notice. Then there are the quarters to look into, making sure someone isn't hiding ready to kill you-or worse.  
Then we did the obstacle course, for several hours. Several. Into the night. Did I say several hours? Then we went back inside to do more entry. I guess they wanted to see how we would do when we were exhausted. Not too bad, I think. We all did well. That'll show them!! They can't run US into the ground!!

Day 31-  
I am not quite sure which day it is, and if I have slept in between or not. My body feels like a two-ton slug, and my brain is melting into a small pool of mush at my feet. I am SO GLAD that Robert hasn't come by, asking me to go do something with him all night long. Of course, perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon, he is a crafty one.  
I hope I didn't hurt Alec today. He wanted me to help him with some class work, but I was so tired, I just wanted to crash. We never know what sort of day we are going to have, so the ideal is to get as much sleep as we can, and he knows that. I just, I don't know, I think I am being too sensitive. Man, I need to get over this crap, either have emotions, or don't, but this in-between stuff is so frustrating!!!! 

Day 32-  
I never know what to think or feel. One day I will think everything is going well, and the next day, I wonder how much longer I am going to be around. I say that because I know what happens to you if they don't like you here. This is the last stop on the way to that six-foot hole in the ground; and I don't really want to end up there. Not that it wouldn't be more pleasant at times. Maybe it's the best thing, you know, just get it over with, and die, rather than sit here and wonder if I am doing well, and when they are going to take me out back and shoot me.   
I can't ever tell with Robert-if I am doing well, or not. He just acts the same all the time. Just that once when I beat the sensei in karate, that was the only time I ever saw any approval from him. I'd like to say I don't need approval at all, but that would be a lie. 

Day 33-  
Today was a day. Same thing, different day-I think. It could be some sort of vortex where we are going through the same day over and over. In this place, we couldn't know the difference. Not that it matters-I guess we are doing what they want-learning the schmutz they are trying to force into us.  
I just feel so empty. I would scream, but it wouldn't help. Sometimes, when everyone around you is screaming, it means more to stay quiet. 

Day 34-  
Yesterday they took us out to the farm again. We left in the early morning, I'm pretty sure because I could just see the moon out of the tinted windows. Once we got there, they put us to work, and I don't think we stopped until this afternoon, when they drug our sorry carcasses back home. Oh man, home? Did I call it home?? What am I doing?! What is happening to me?!?! Please don't let it be home.  
We did a lot of entry, which we are getting better at. Also did some climbing and high entry-like in the windows of a four story building. That was kind of fun in a way, we had harnesses on, so if we fell it wouldn't hurt quite so bad-although just thinking of the harness ripping into my groin as I hit it makes me cringe. Of course, in real life, there will be no harness...  
The obstacle course was by now no big deal, so they added a new hitch-bombs. We had to carry small mines and detonate them at specific points. Toward the end, they brought out other operatives to try to stop us-that was quite the experience; they didn't tell us what was going to happen. To be fixated on a goal, and to have someone suddenly run up and tackle you was quite disturbing. I just don't know....will I do okay?....will I be able to survive...will I ever be able to live?.....  
When we got back to section this afternoon, I went to my room and puked; nerves, exhaustion, frustration, call it what you want, but it made me feel better. 

Day 35-  
I was called into the witch's office again. I was kind of glad because I was so sore this morning; kind of hurt to walk, and sit, and breathe. Not unexpected after our day yesterday.  
Luckily she didn't mention my inability to walk straight. I would have had to kill her if she had-well, at least I would have had to try. She wanted me to be able to do makeup and hair by myself. Whatever else I may think about her, she is a wonderful artist. She can make anyone look like a million dollar model; the transformation that takes place is amazing. I was worried that I wouldn't even be able to come close to her talent, but she was patient, and made sure I was able to do it well on my own-as well as understand the whole purpose of looking good. Which is, of course, to put men at ease enough to use them and lose them. Great, I suppose, it's about time they are good for something besides attacking women. 

Day 36-  
Wow, two whole days with sleep. I can't believe they have had such a lapse in training-we might actually become well rested!! But, never to worry, they will rectify the situation shortly, I am sure. Can't be having those recruits-and I use that term loosely-being ready for action. I suppose we'd run off or something. To where, I have absolutely no idea. 

Day 37-  
We started practicing with knives today. Sounds kind of scary writing it down, but it's not. Actually it's so frustrating. I want to be perfect at it, and know I can be, but my muscles are just not cooperating. argh! I know I can do it!! It's just that in between time, the waiting, the practicing...I understand how important it is, but it's frustrating to have to sit there and wait. Luckily we can go down there whenever we want to practice.   
At least we're finally doing something besides firearms. I know they kill people, but a gun isn't always the best choice.  
Did I just say that? Oh man, AM I becoming one of them?! 

Day 38-  
Day after day after day, running together into a mesh of months, years, decades. I think if you have been here a day you have been here a year. At times I just want to be done with it all, and just leave-even though I know what that means. Death isn't so bad when you think about it, it's just nothingness. Sweet sweet nothingness. aaahhhhh, I think I would welcome that, instead of all of this training, and working, and seriousness, and people who just want me because I am a warm body, and corrections. I still feel like screaming, but I still know it wouldn't help.  
I went to the armory this evening after dinner, and practiced with the knives again. I'm getting better at it. It's kind of fun-we have targets for throwing knives, and then a simulator for the hand to hand. Which is good because otherwise it would be a bit too dangerous-don't want those warm bodies becoming cold before they decide it's okay.   
Is this life?

Day 39-  
lalalala I am getting so blase about this place. I don't really care what they do to me, they can just shove it. I suppose that is a bad attitude, but after they run you into the ground and it's still not good enough, what other attitude can you have? I'm just frustrated-looks like I've used that word a lot lately. Guess there are good reasons for it, not that I can do a thing about any of them. I am still doing well in class, except now they are going over some of the same stuff we went over a few weeks ago, apparently they want to make very sure we know it. However, it is something which I know frontwards and backwards. I have been sitting there conjugating french verbs-that should really tell how bored I am.   
At least karate is still fun.....got the sensei again. 

Day 40-  
Another all nighter with Robert. BUT, this time we got to do something! Well, okay, it wasn't much, but still!! He came to get me right before class-thank God, I was NOT in the mood for geography yet again!-and brought me to his office. What a drab place, not much there, but a desk and two chairs. I know mine was uncomfortable, and his looked worse. Whatever, I have no idea how this man lives....wait a minute, maybe he's not a man!! Maybe he's some futuristic robot cyborg. haha Oh, wow, I am still giddy from lack of sleep.  
So, he tells me about this guy they need intel on, and he tends to hang out at a particular bar. So, we got all dressed up, and actually got to go outside! Wohoo!! Except this time the windows weren't all that tinted so I could see out. It was marvelous, all the sunlight, and trees, and people out walking around.   
On the other hand, it was something I didn't fit into anymore. Perhaps sometimes as an imposter, but never in reality. There I was, sitting in a black mercedes with my mentor, both of us attired all in black, with expressionless faces-I knew better than to let Robert see how excited I was to be outside.   
We sat in an alley down from the bar, and I recorded all movements in and out of it for about a full 24 hours. It was harder than the all day obstacle course. I had no idea my butt could get calluses from leather seats.

 

Day 41-  
You know, sometimes this place isn't so bad after all. When I get to go out and actually do things-not that they couldn't have gotten the surveillance intel some other way, but they still needed it-I understand that I might actually be able to survive here, and, God forbid, enjoy myself at times. Not that I would ever let anyone know that-I'm sure there is a rule against being happy here, and the constant threat of 'cancellation (yah, right, a nice word for blow your head off)' makes sure you are never secure. Well, and if your team doesn't kill you, then the other team is looking forward to it.  
This isn't a game, this is real life, as real as it gets. Semi life, is what it is, that period between life and death that most people pass through quickly, but that we are doomed to forever inhabit.  
Look at me, I think I am a philosopher. My poor brain is starved for real discussion. The ones that I can talk to aren't into that, and the ones I could possibly talk with are too dangerous. Oh, what to do. I suppose my poor journal will take the brunt of it. 

Day 42-  
Yet another day in the bowels of hell. For hell it must be, I think. I am sure I was evil enough on the outside to deserve such treatment, but I am not aware of exactly when that was. I can't believe the things they do here, it makes me sick when I think about it-so I try not to.   
I got called into Dragon lady's office again. This time there was another operative there, a man. She wanted me to learn how to dance, said that it might be necessary on some future mission. I was thinking, right, yah, whatever. But I played along, just sure they were filming for laughs later on. It wasn't too bad, he was cute, and didn't step on my toes once. But as we danced with Dragon breath watching and instructing, I got this weird feeling. A nauseousness in the pit of my stomach. I can't say why I had it, but something just wasn't right; it makes me a little scared and uneasy. If she wants me to learn to dance, and brings in this gorgeous guy to do it when she could just as easily have done it herself.....what else are they planning....... 

Day 43-  
That feeling is still there.  
I bumped into that operative this afternoon on the way to the gym; he asked me to have coffee with him afterward. Too weird, I though, but went along. I mean, if he wants to spend time with me, then I am not currently complaining!! We made it in there before the other ops started coming in, so we got a good seat that was somewhat secluded-not that there are any secluded areas here, well, none that I know of.   
Turns out his name is Sam, and he has been here about 2 years. He went through the same training we are, but was pulled out after a year to go to a specialized area. He wasn't too clear on what that was, but I didn't push-wouldn't have gotten me anywhere, anyway. Very handsome: blue eyes so deep you could drown, beautiful blond hair so fine and soft, and a body that looks like he takes his time in the gym seriously. Oh man, it has been so long since I've had any physical contact that wasn't job related....wait a minute...naw, he seems like a nice guy. Well, he might be, or he might be faking....I suppose I won't know. On the other hand.......I am beginning to think that I don't care. 

Day 44-  
This morning we took another early morning trip to the farm. These are getting kind of annoying, I mean, why can't we leave at 7am instead of 6? What is one hour later going to do?! But, I suppose the people making the rules don't have to keep to them, so they don't care. Of course, they probably went through this at one time, too, and if they did it, we have to. Don't you love the ole boys club? God forbid we try anything new. Okay, down off my high horse. I know I have to just shut up and deal with it, but sometimes it feels better to get it out.  
But what I was going to write was that we learned to drive. That sounds odd, of course we know how, but they taught us all of the cool stuff; high speeds, quick changes of direction, obstacles, overland. It was GREAT!   
You know, sometimes this place isn't so bad. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone. 

Day 45-  
Oh man, I just don't care about anything anymore. They are just so cold, and callused. I can't believe anyone lives this way, well they don't do they? Robert finally came by again, and went with me to lunch. Apparently I haven't seen him for a while because he had been hurt on a mission. I'm really surprised he told me, but I suppose he wanted me to know how it is here-wait, was that a bit of concern he displayed?? No, couldn't have been, perhaps he was just making sure I knew my 'break' from his was an anomaly. No problem, sir. I know, no breaks here, nothing at all to make one feel comfortable. 

Day 46-  
What a crappy day. Started out bad, ended bad, bad in the middle. No way around it. If it were possible to go back to bed and start over, I would. So in martial arts practice this morning we sparred, and the sensei put me on my ass three times. Talk about a humbling experience. Then the explosive class, I blew everyone up-virtually, of course-by doing something so completely stupid that only a new recruit would do. At lunch I dropped my tray on the floor, in the middle of everyone. sigh I just wanted to crawl back into my little white cell.  
Then, in the afternoon I was called into Dragon Lady's office again to learn some more etiquette and dance, and managed to step on Sam's feet every other step. Luckily she dismissed me quickly, but I don't think erring in front of her is a good thing. Not good at all.   
Finally, when I thought I was going to be able to go hide in my room, Robert stopped me in the hallway and drug me to his office. argh! He basically chewed me out for my 'behavior' today, letting the sensei beat me, making a commotion in the cafeteria, being an oaf with Sam. Oh man, I mean I knew things got around pretty quickly, but that was too fast. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me, after the day I had had. How could he not know how shitty I felt?! Absolutely no humanity. None. It took all I had not to cry; I really don't know why he did that, it hurt so badly. He was the closest thing I had to someone who cared about me, and now I feel so totally alone. He should have protected me! Shouldn't he?

Day 47-  
I did my best to lay low today. After yesterday, I didn't want to see if things could get worse. If I could have run away to some other section, or some other place, I would have been gone in an instant. But, it wasn't bad enough to commit suicide over, so I didn't say anything about being unhappy or leaving or wanting to leave. I've never asked, but I'm sure it's a one-way ticket to the grave. Although...maybe it isn't so bad a place for me.  
Well, class today was good, at least. We got to work on theoretical problems and situations like how we would enter a building, what explosives and electronics to use, how to avoid the security. We went through it all in detail. It was pretty cool. Of course, this time was easy-a relatively unguarded building, but eventually we'll get to the harder ones.   
Saw Sam today, he smiled at me, but kept going toward systems. It felt like a ray of sunshine penetrating a complete darkness, warming up the cold expanse of my heart. Luckily he turned away before he could see the tear falling. 

Day 48-  
Quiet day. Peaceful. Nothing exciting. I am starting to like unexciting days, they are restful. And we need all the rest we can get. I finally figured out why I had had such a bad day; I had been up overnight several times just before that, and that night I had lain awake, for just a short time I thought, thinking of Sam. He's definitely a cutie, and so different from Robert. Better stop thinking of him or I won't get any sleep tonight, either. 

Day 49-  
What an odd day. If I wasn't here, I would say that it was all a dream; but of course, here, I don't dream.  
Karate was wonderful, we have begun using weapons, and I love the sword, it is so beautiful and elegant. The way it shines as you withdraw it, and the soft whisk it makes as you slice your opponent's throat-imaginary, of course. But it still has that victorious feeling...If I didn't know better, I would think I am beginning to like this place, but of course, that's not possible. I am a human. I have emotions, don't I?  
Of course, dummy. Especially when he walks up behind me to whisper in my ear; the chills running down my spine were exquisite. He met me for tea before dinner, apparently he forgives me for stepping on his toes. I haven't been able to properly apologize yet, but I have a feeling that is coming soon-I hope. This place is awfully lonely; when he's not around.   
Robert hasn't said anything, thank God. I have a feeling that if he did, it would only be to ruin whatever fun I was having, or thinking about having, or anything that might possibly have any resemblance to fun at any time in the future. I wonder if he EVER loved anyone. Of course it also begs the thought-what if he had, does this place take that much out of you? Oh God, please don't take my humanity from me, please!   
No, that won't happen.


	5. Day 50-89

Day 50-  
ARGH! Oh man, I KNEW he was a kill joy!! I KNEW IT!!!!  
Sam caught me in the hallway before lunch. I almost fainted when he looked into my eyes, his were so intensely blue, full of, was it.....desire? Or was I imagining it? He touched my arm, cradled it, really, as he pulled me aside. It was the first time someone had touched me outside of a lesson. Divine. He wanted to meet me after dinner, didn't say why, but I distinctly got the feeling that he had an intimate encounter in mind; where, I have no idea. But it would have been nice to find out. When I said yes......he....oh, just to think about it...he leaned in and kissed me. I thought I had finally died and had been blessed with heaven. So soft, his lips melted me. I would be turned on just thinking about it if I wasn't so tired.  
Which brings me to what happened INSTEAD of meeting Sam. As I was happily walking into the cafeteria-which was, obviously my first mistake-up comes Robert. Figures. So we spent the rest of the day doing more surveillance. Not that I am ungrateful for his attention, he really is a storehouse of knowledge, and is a wonderful teacher-wouldn't say it to his face....especially after this! Although he must have felt a little sorry for me because he stopped for coffee on the way back. Actually got out of the car, and went into a little espresso bar; now that I think back, it was incredible. I had not been out since, well, um.....can't remember. If I wasn't so mad about missing Sam, I might just be impressed with Robert.

Day 51-  
Didn't see Sam today, so frustrating! I hope he doesn't think I avoided him-how could he think that? I drool when I see him. haha So pathetic, I know. I need to get a grip, I feel like a 12 year old school girl.  
I'd better be careful, though, I get the feeling that a decrease in performance would not be excused by puppy love.

Day 52-  
I saw Sam today, briefly, in the cafeteria. He looked right through me at first, I was crushed; just knew he had given up on me. However, the good Lord smiled on me, and he finally noticed and walked over. Luckily he understood about the surveillance. There's no chance of meeting tonight, but we think maybe tomorrow right after lunch. He briefly held my hand before we parted. Wow.  
Focus on the job, girl, focus on the job. 

Day 53-  
Okay, it happened once again. Just before I was going to meet Sam, Robert grabs me for some shit work; that's what it really was. He sat me down in systems, and made me go through simulation after simulation; all sorts of scenarios ranging from infiltration and securing hostages, to entering and exploring hostile compounds before blowing them to smithereens. If I hadn't been fuming about missing time with Sam YET AGAIN, I would probably have had a lot of fun.   
He let me go to explosive class, but made me return directly afterward. In fact, he was waiting for me outside the door, like I was some recalcitrant child. I have always done what he has said, and been where I've supposed to be! Whatever; he's in his own little world.

Day 54-  
Today was good. Karate is still just wonderful as we continue practicing with different weapons, although my favorite is still the sword-it's lethal beauty and directness attracts me. I think that makes me a sick person, but I just don't seem to care anymore. God help me.  
Class is getting better, the others have completely caught up, so we have gone deeper into the subjects, which generally fascinate me. In fact, this is about the only time that I don't think about Sam, I can't, when we are discussing advanced political concepts and how it relates to geography. School was always easy, but if it would have been this challenging and exciting, well....best not to think of what could have been.  
I saw Sam today, briefly, as I was on my way to the firing range. Since Robert has been keeping close tabs on me lately, I just slowed my pace so we could look at each other. His eyes......they are deep pools of desire I can feel myself drowning in even now. He held my hand briefly, we will meet soon.

Day 55-  
We had another all night stint at the farm. But this time, it was so cool, and I'm not sure why it was different. We got there at the crack of dawn, as usual-argh!-and started out on the obstacle course. I suppose that is their way of warming us up-yah, right, ever heard of a cup of coffee and some stretches?? right, like they'd ever do that one. oh well...It was pretty cold outside, that crisp chill in the air that comes right before winter. Maybe that's why I felt so good about it, fall has always been such a wonderful season for me; used to go for walks in the country-side and just smell the wonderful scents of autumn. But that reminds me of home, and things I do not have, so, back to reality. I think.  
There was another team of recruits there; didn't recognize any of them, maybe from another place. We had a kind of war games against them, having to infiltrate their 'compound', and retrieve certain items or 'hostiles'. Then the scenario was reversed, and we had to defend our compound. Even though I knew, in the back of my mind, that this would be real-was real-I didn't care, it was so exciting and thrilling. Maybe I'm getting addicted to the adrenaline surge, no wonder people stick around here.  
We weren't allowed to speak with the other team. I wonder who they are, where they are from, who they were...

Day 56-  
I am in heaven. Words can not, will not, ever, describe this....my head is still spinning. I am surprised I made it back to my room without just falling down, or ending up in the wrong place. Maybe he lead me here, I don't remember...  
After our long 'day' at the farm, we had fairly aggressive sessions in all of our classes today. They apparently don't believe in recuperating; but, I shouldn't be surprised by that by now. Thank God Robert took pity on me, and didn't make me do some mind numbing crap. I suppose he guessed I would have fallen asleep, and rightfully so! However, he also relaxed his watch on me, if it was because he thought I was too tired to do anything funny, or if it was because he was called away for some reason, I don't know. All I know is that he wasn't following me around like he has been.  
Therefore, Sam and I got the time we were waiting for!!!! Right after dinner, I carefully followed him to his room-which looks a heck of a lot better than mine! We talked some, just idle chit chat, nothing important. I suppose it was to make us both more comfortable. Then he kissed me, and it was all over.........oh, it was good. 

Day 57-  
So tired this morning; I suppose I worked out too much last night. Well, worked some muscles I haven't in a while, anyway. Yessss....  
But we had hard workouts in all of our classes today; even mentally, we had to calculate distances and coordinates. Not like the satellites wouldn't do it for us, but I actually do understand being able to do it manually in case something happened to the equipment.   
I can't believe I am starting to see things their way. NO WAY! Not going to do it, not going to happen to me. I will not end up like Robert!!!!  
Who, by the way, is back to following me again. Apparently he got called away on a mission-I thought these things were usually planned-and returned this morning. He is okay, just a little tired. Although he wouldn't have admitted it to me-I saw it in the faint lines under his eyes. After being stuck with someone for this long, you tend to notice stuff like that.  
But I think he knows something is different about me, as well. He looked at me oddly, and seemed to be even more careful about where I was-and I didn't think that was possible!!  
Didn't see Sam today at all. I wonder where he is? 

Day 58-  
I am about ready to just confront Robert to see what the heck is up. However, I am not yet that brave. haha I wish I was; and maybe with something else I would be, but he just seems so serious about always knowing where I am, but never actually says anything. Why does he think he can't trust me?! What have I ever done? Or is this the time that 'recruits' start to fall out, and get in trouble? Who knows.  
So, this morning just after breakfast I see Sam walking down the hallway toward me. Before he even has a chance to see me, Robert stops me, and pulls me into a side hallway. All I could do was watch him as he walked past-he didn't give any signs of having seen me, but that doesn't mean anything here. When I finally turned my attention back to Robert he had finished speaking. Suddenly, I realized that I was in a shitload of trouble. Luckily, once he saw that I was back, he repeated what he had said-I think, anyway, didn't hear it the first time. It was actually quite exciting.  
He wanted me to look at some discs, and tell him where I would do surveillance to gather further intel. Sure it is more surveillance work with the iceman, but still, he is letting me do some of the thinking!!! Well, he is pretending, but that's good enough for me right now! 

Day 59-  
I LOVE Robert!! He is so cool! Okay, not really, but it felt good to write it just once. Really, though, I went through the discs last night, and found three areas that needed more intel. At first, it seemed like there would have to be three boring nights of surveillance to get the required information; however, after looking at it a while longer and using some of the techniques they taught us in class, I got it down to two. But, for some reason, it still looked wrong to me, couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something I was missing. So, I stepped outside the box-and I know they don't teach us to do that, but when it's that, or two episodes with Iceman, you do what you have to. Then it hit me! It was like a sudden ray of light-I understood what the key was....there was only one area where all three elements intersected, and that was where we would need to go.  
Of course, finding Robert was easy, all I had to do was turn around, and there he was-doesn't he have a REAL job to do!? But, when I showed him the data, and what I had made of it, he just looked at it in his quiet, blank way. argh! I was so nervous! Then he looked up at me, and said, 'yes'. Ooooh I was so excited, I tried to cover it, but it was hard!! He actually praised me, and the fact that I went further into the scenario to find the correct answer. That was the one he got!!! I'm sure it didn't take him as long as it took me, but still!!! I LOVE HIM!!!! And he even praised me-that felt so good, especially knowing how exacting he is. Wow.  
We get to go out tomorrow night to gather intel, as long as another mission doesn't come up for him. I am so excited!! It doesn't sound quite as boring when it was my idea. 

Day 60-  
I am so completely tired; I have no idea how I can put one foot in front of the other, how I am breathing, how anything in my poor little body is functioning.   
So, Robert and I went out to the site for surveillance. It was this old warehouse down on some docks; very old and worn out, everything sagging like it was just about to give up life. We were there several hours the first night into the next morning. Then we were back in section for me to go to class and for conditioning; I think he had a meeting or some other thing to do. It was fine with the surveillance because what we were looking for was only happening in the dark hours (you know, when most people are sleeping..hello?).  
So, after my sessions, and a quick shower, we were off again to the waterfront. Actually, it was a lovely place in a way-the water reflected the beautiful sunset, and the air had this clean smell that reminded me of mornings after a good rain. That was, of course, one reason we knew it wasn't a real docking area-they smell like oil and diesel, and all manner of foul things. We got what we needed, though, so it was successful. When we got back this morning, he allowed me to take a quick nap before joining my team in class-he does have a heart, after all. Then in the evening, he and I discussed the implications of what we had learned.   
He really is a wonderful teacher. I am so lucky to have him. You know, I don't really remember seeing any of the other recruits talking to anyone like Robert; I wonder if they just are more quiet, or if only a few of us are, um, lucky? to have mentors.

Day 61-  
I just don't understand this place. You think you have it down, then all the rules change. Of course, they probably change the rules on purpose, just to make sure young upstarts won't be able to get anywhere. Is there even anywhere to go around here?? argh!   
I was all set to go back to Robert's office, when he met me in the hallway just outside my room. Turns out we are no longer investigating the group at the waterfront-they have been given to another team. I have no idea why, or what happened, or what I did wrong if anything at all. Even after thoroughly questioning him, I have no idea what happened; not that he answered any of my questions...I just questioned him.   
So, is anything next? Or will I be sentenced to the dullness of our classes day after day...the same thing over and over....sigh. He didn't tell me if we had anything else to do. Man, I want to GO, I want to be there!! I just get myself in trouble otherwise, or get depressed....  
I wonder where Sam is. 

Day 62-  
You know, from reading the journal, you would think I had only been here a few months, but I know that's not true. Probably been here twice that long; feels like forever. Never anything before, nothing in the future. Is there a future to look forward to? Is it like a business, or military organization where you are able to 'move up' and have more responsibility? Or is that only for a few, and us recruits are relegated to slavery? You know, they teach us all sorts of things, from mathematics to botany, but they don't even mention our current environment. Perhaps it would take too long to discuss it-I'm starting to get the feeling that this place is a textbook of abnormal psychology. And I don't think that's a good thing...  
Saw Sam briefly this afternoon in com. I don't think he saw me because he was standing at the counter, talking very closely with this woman. She had short dark blond hair, and a somewhat slim figure. She really looked like a dirty blond stick, with no muscles. Not sure what was up-I had to be somewhere five minutes before that, so stopping wasn't an option.   
What is up? 

Day 63-  
I'm starting to get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I saw Sam again today, walking down the hallway, but it seems like as soon as he saw me, he turned off. Now, I know he could have been going there to begin with, but that hallway doesn't really go anywhere. And coupled with the fact that he hasn't tried to contact me recently, the conclusion is that he has decided to abandon our relations. Why am I not upset about that? Am I too shocked? Have I been too distracted to really care, anyway? It's not like I had many lovers before coming here; sex does mean something to me. I think. It did.  
The question remains, however, why he initiated relations in the first place. I met him with Dragon Lady, and she seemed to encourage whatever interaction we had. Which isn't usual for this place. She had been telling me that women have to learn to use all of the weapons at their disposal...Oh my God!! It can't be true, it can't it can't! Please just let him be some jerk who is getting more notches on his headboard.  
They wouldn't make people into whores....would they?...

Day 64-  
I am numb. Reminds me of the first day, the one that started this whole mess. That one fateful day that changed the path of my life from one of excitement and discovery to one of suppression and death. Is there a way to survive in this place of nothingness?! Survival-ha-how is this defined in the netherworld between life and death; do I need to give up any idea of my heart ever beating under the open expanse of sky, or my thoughts ever being realized in a world other than my mind?  
Luckily we didn't have anything new in our lessons today. I wasn't able to follow along, much les focus enough to learn. Not sure if anyone noticed; not good around here if they do-they won't be offering remedial courses, they'll be offering a new underground location. But......if it's between being numb, and being dead.....maybe I choose dead. 

Day 65-  
Robert called me into his office today. Apparently he noticed my listlessness; or someone else did, and mentioned it to him, but I'm pretty sure he noticed. He looks like he isn't aware of his surroundings, but he is watching everything. I suppose that's how he keeps his edge.   
The good thing about him is that he never beats around the bush, he always goes right for the jugular. So, I walk in, and he lets me sit, then looks me directly in the eyes. Oh, man, was that frightening! I wanted the chair to swallow me up, anything to get me out of that stare. Luckily he spoke so I would have something else to concentrate on; I couldn't take my eyes away, or he would get mad-I'm sure.   
He asked about Sam. He knew; I was so embarrassed, ashamed, upset, I ran the gamut of emotions. The words wouldn't come at first, but after listening to his silence, they finally saved me. I admitted to my meetings with him with the Dragon Lady, and hinted at our meeting the night he was gone.  
Finally managing to come up with a thought of my own, I asked him where he was that night; not expecting an answer. Surprisingly, he did answer-a mission had suddenly come up. Not so unexpectedly, after thinking about it previously, was that Dragon Lady gave him the intel leading to the mission. I got that sick feeling again, the one that starts in the pit of my stomach, and sinks even further like a lead weight.   
He told me it was a job, one way to get to the intel that was needed to do our jobs. They were chosen because of their talents, personality, ability to get people to open up-at least physically, which can always be used to our ends. I'm sure I turned a nice shade of white because he looked the tiniest bit worried about me.   
I asked him how you do it. I wanted to know why-why would they do this to me?! No answer would help me, I know; this is something beyond understanding, beyond anything I had ever known. He said, you do it because they ask you; the operative does what is asked; the person has to become separate.   
I got the feeling that he meant that for all of section work, that it is much harder when it's real. But I knew- and he knew he was confirming it-that he, too, had had to give up his body for section. 

Day 66-  
The forms don't have the same allure as they once did. When life was more stressful than usual, I used to be able to go to the practice room, and work on my swordsmanship. Now...it's just another element of death. Another idea tainted by section. There is no way out, not even in my mind. When I close my eyes, pictures of Sam play across the screen. Except it's not exactly him; it's his body, but the head is Dragon Lady...or that man I saw only once, but I know is head...or even Robert-he, too is an agent of my demise.  
It is a demise, everything I have ever known, or felt, or thought, it's all gone. It can't be. I can't exist.   
They've won. 

Day 67-  
Thank God something finally came up so I could stop thinking about this shit. Alec asked me to help him with some of the class work we have been doing lately; he's a smart guy, but it is hard for him to think three dimensionally. Not that it's perfectly easy for me....  
He's a good guy, for a thief. At least that's what he claims to have been. I'll take it, not that it matters here anyway. What matters is that our group has been getting to know each other more, every time they leave us alone. Our own little way of fighting back. 

Day 68-  
How do you reconcile?  
Life-under their terms.  
Death-my terms, or theirs.  
Is there any way to put it together? 

Day 69-  
Robert had me going over more intel this afternoon. I think I am going to have a cot set up in systems with the amount of time I spend there. And since we had our last project taken away from us, I feel like that is about as far as I am going to go. sigh  
I'm proud of myself. I saw Sam today, and just ignored him-like he wasn't even there.  
Or is that a sad commentary? Do I have no emotions left, no pride, no self? 

Day 70-  
Yet another overnight at the farm. I think I can get there blindfolded by now, not that I would have any reason to go there. Although it is nice to be able to actually see the sun, and grass, and trees. For a while there, I wasn't sure that those things still existed; I knew how lab rats felt. I think I still do.  
But, we worked with another team again, opposing them in hypothetical situations. We used paintballs as ammunition, which was kind of fun on the surface, but having your failure emblazoned on your chest does not bode well for real life missions.  
There is some enjoyment of life, but still there is nothing at my center. I'm not sure there ever will be again. I know what Robert feels. Or, did feel, when he still had emotions. 

Day 71-  
I never used to believe you could run on adrenalin, but, then again, I was never in this situation before. Right now, I think that is the only thing keeping me up. Wild. This has been the oddest three days; I just don't know what to think of it all. Does it mean anything, or will it all just go back to the way it was?  
Robert and I went in to do some surveillance. After so many trips with him, it was fairly routine; I knew my job, and how he liked things done. We didn't even need to talk. Not that I didn't want to; some actual conversation would have been a little refreshing for me, but I know better than to try to chat with Robert.  
This time, after an all-nighter watching a safe house, we went back to section for a short nap and to retrieve some equipment. Then, instead of going to class, like I usually do on these days, we went right back out into the field. !! We arrived at a warehouse, and instead of having to sit inside the car for several hours, we actually went inside!! Exciting, for me, anyway. Setting up on a second floor that overlooked the main area, we waited in silence the rest of the day. Luckily, instead of just sitting there, being bored, I got to investigate the gear bag. Inside were some binocular-type devices, and two handguns. Yikes! He had never brought those before-well, at least I never saw them before.  
This is getting long, and I am ready to fall over, but I want to remember! I suppose I will anyway.   
The hostiles arrived, and met another group. This was the first time I had seen this kind of a meeting; it was exciting, but scary at the same time. If they would have seen us, then obviously that would have been a problem. I was happy that I had done well in firearms-not that that would get me anywhere in a real situation. So, they conducted their business, with us-read, me-duly recording, and then they left. whew, nothing big happened.   
But, he let me have a gun. I mean, a real, honest to God gun that I might possibly have had to aim at a live human being, and make it not live. What a thought. What a dilemma. Could it happen?  
Finally, after debriefing with Robert, and writing the report under his guidance-that was kind of scary, too, trying to write it correctly, without really messing up in front of him!!-I got to crawl back to my room. Oh, thank God!   
Now, the bed. 

Day 72-  
I think whoever wrote that saying-'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'-worked for section. Either that, or they always worked where there were employment laws.  
So, yesterday, we were woken up at some ungodly hour, and taken to the farm while it was still dark. I mean, this was early even for Section!! The other team was also there, but this time we weren't really competing against each other. It seemed to be some sort of a test, although they didn't say as much; but we had to run the obstacle course, place explosives, and run through an indoor sim hitting the right targets. When we had all run through those, we were paired with members of the other team, and had to work a problem. My partner, June, seemed competent enough, and was a good person to work with; we were able to discuss ideas and issues without any real conflict, and were able to reach our objective within the given time frame. Others weren't so lucky, for various reasons; I know something has to happen after this, but I have no idea what. The thoughts I do have are a little frightening, so I've been doing my best to ignore them.  
In a way, it was somewhat enjoyable, I like working out problems, and June seemed to have the same attitude. I wonder where she stays. 

Day 73-  
Aaaaaah, a nice uneventful day. Nothing but routine classes and workouts; not anything new, just the same old stuff. People who complain about their ordinary lives have no idea what the alternative is. 

Day 74-  
Alec wasn't in class this morning. In fact, he wasn't anywhere all day. No one else has seen him. I wonder if it has anything to do with our last trip to the farm; he didn't do terribly well. He is a good man, though, hard working and fairly smart; he has had his share of problems in our classes, but not more than anyone else really. At least I don't think so. Where did they take him...what did they do to him... Please God don't let him be dead!!!  
Didn't see Robert today. Not sure if I would have asked him about it; he probably wouldn't have said anything. It might have made me feel better, or not. 

Day 75-  
So now there are only three of us left-of the original starting group. If they have attrition like this just in training, no wonder they need to abduct so many convicts. Of course, therein may lie the problem....But if they took the regular Joe off the street-as opposed to the Joe they took from the prison-someone might notice and cause trouble. Now, while these people don't seem to be the type to shy away from trouble, they really aren't out looking for it; that sort, anyway.   
There are all sorts of people here; mostly younger- a little older than me. Computer geeks, muscle heads, brainiacs, yes-men, worker bees, they have 'em all. Not sure which one I am yet; waiting to see what, exactly, it is they want from me before I go making an impression of that sort.  
I still wonder about Sam. Was I his project, or was it something the Dragon Lady cooked up for me? I am a little worried, but after all of this, I am really starting to not care. Which may be the most worrisome thing yet. 

Day 76-  
That bitch called me into her office again today. She wanted me to work on my poise and style. What ever. She was sickeningly sweet to me the whole time. I can't believe her-she must be able to sleep at night because she has absolutely no conscience whatsoever. While I can believe that Robert was at one time a real person, her, I cannot-ever. She must have been born without a soul; God just forgot. I think what really got me, was that just when it seemed we were done, she had me sit down to have tea-just to talk, she said. I'm not sure who she wants me to see her as, but it certainly isn't mother, or grandma. No one’s mother is this evil.  
She asked me about Sam, wanted to know if I enjoyed practicing dance with him. I knew what she was really asking, and wanted so bad to just ask her point blank what she intended to do with my body, but I wasn't prepared to hear the answer yet. Not just yet. After having Robert silently confirm that he had done similar things in the past, I know that no one is immune. I'll bet she enjoys 'teaching' them; training them to hurt and be hurt, to steal their hearts and take their souls. 

Day 77-  
Today was weird. I think I ate something that didn't agree with me because after lunch I was so completely nauseous. I tried as much as I could to keep up with everyone in afternoon conditioning, but still was generally behind everyone else. Luckily no one said anything, as I'm sure they could tell I felt like crap.  
Just when I had drug myself back to my doorway, there was Robert. argh! He silently looked at me for several seconds, then said, go to bed. I have never loved that man more than at that moment. So, I am going to bed. 

Day 78-  
Feel better today, although I threw up right after I woke up. Weird. Whatever.   
So in karate this morning I was able to at least hold my own with the sensei, which is nice. After that last time I knocked him out he isn't so pleased with me in general; apparently students aren't supposed to beat the teacher. Oh well.  
Robert found me again today, this time after lunch. Thankfully he wanted me to do some computer work, so I got to skip conditioning today-getting better, but still not a whole lot of energy. Interestingly, the intel I was sifting through was connected to the group we were watching a few days ago. I wonder if we'll be able to continue with it this time. Not holding my breath. 

Day 79-  
I think I saw Alec today. We were walking along on the way to lunch, and as we breezed by systems, I could have sworn he was in there at a computer. Unfortunately we couldn't stop to check, and on the way back, he was gone-if it was even him.   
Robert didn't answer me when I asked where my fellow recruits had been taken. But I wonder, perhaps they change them to a different track; instead of having them become field operatives, they do something else. I would think it would be prudent to get what you can out of people before you dispose of them, since it does cause them time and resources to 'recruit' them.  
mmm....hungry...too bad the cafeteria is closed. Perhaps a night time raid...naw, I have the feeling they wouldn't appreciate that sort of initiative. 

Day 80-  
Wow, how long have I really been here? Seems like forever....nothing else on earth but this. We don't exist except in our own imaginations... ? Perhaps.  
Felt sick again this morning, this is getting highly annoying because then I feel a little off the rest of the day. That is not a good thing here, too many sharp objects and statements to dodge. I wonder what is going on, not that I am about to go to medical, no telling what happens to you there. Probably just nervous after our evaluation, and wondering if I have a future. 

Day 81-  
This has been a hard day.   
Really, it went well until lunch, when I happened to be eating by myself-a little unusual, but the others were getting some tutoring by the classroom instructor. The room was it's usual noisy self, and I was hanging out, leisurely eating my lunch when who shows up, but the jerk himself. Yep, Sam came in and sat down opposite me. At that point I WISH I was nauseous, so I could have vomited all over him. But, I was a good little operative, and put on a pleasant face while imagining painful things to do to him.  
He claimed he wanted to apologize; since it was obvious I knew what had happened. After realizing I wasn't going to make it easy for him, he started to explain-just what I needed, a recap. But I did find out that it was his test, that Madeline wanted him to seduce me as part of a final test for his training. The other part was the other female operative I had seen him with that time.  
You know, I don't care what the excuse was, there is no way I could trust him again. How do I know this isn't just another test, or whatever. Of course, the sex wasn't bad...  
I didn't commit to anything, said 'oh.' Apparently he didn't get the hint because that seemed to make him happy.  
Tell me why, again, are men on this planet? 

Day 82-  
Robert must have seen Sam and I together yesterday. He called me into his office on some pretext, and gave me his version of a lecture on how I should stick to my group, and try not to become attached to anyone here. I guess if there are no connections, it is easier to kill someone from your own team when they tell you to. Or leave them in enemy hands just because the big guy doesn't want to go back to get them. Lovely place, this is. Perhaps they meant Section when they described Hades.  
Why did he do that, I don't like Sam anyway, and if he listened to the conversation-as I am sure he did-he would know that I didn't believe any of it. Does he know something I don't? He's not jealous....maybe of my time, time he could be using to make me do computer sims, and surveillance, and whatever other boring task his little evil heart desires.  
I ask again, why are men here?

Day 83-  
Trapped, I feel trapped. Nowhere I can go. Nothing I can do on my own; I can't decide that today I am going to relax, and sit out on the patio. I have no patio. No relaxation. No freedom.  
How long is it possible to live like this? Can someone actually be here several years without going completely crazy? Or are they all crazy-we just don't see it because we are also becoming that way? 

Day 84-  
Felt sick again this morning, but at least I didn't vomit. Thank God. I wonder...I mean, I haven't had a period the whole time I've been here. Not that I am upset by this, but it is a bit concerning. Did they do something to me when they brought me here? Or is it just the stress-mentally and physically? It couldn't have been that time with Sam, that's just crazy.   
Isn't it? 

Day 85-  
Another day at the farm. We did entry again, but this time there were several operatives acting as hostiles, and they had tazers! So, it was very obvious when you did something wrong. Somewhat difficult, but exciting, since it was the most difficult work we had done so far.   
You know, sometimes this place isn't so bad. Sometimes. 

Day 86-  
I must have worked harder than I thought at the farm because today has been tough. We didn't do anything overly difficult, but still the energy wasn't there.   
Saw Sam again; I was in systems working on some intel Robert had given me. He tried to speak with me, but I kept focused on what I was doing. It helped that Robert wanted my report in just a few minutes.   
Don't they ever get the hint? If this is another test, then he is definitely failing. 

Day 87-  
Robert is so unfair. After going through all of the intel yesterday, and giving him a very good report-that's what he said to me!!-he wouldn't let me go out to do some footwork. He decided to just send someone else instead of taking me out. What am I, a little sister, or something?! I did all of the work!! Although, I guess around here it doesn't matter too much, does it?  
He apparently got upset when I fainted. Luckily no one else saw it; I had just gotten done with conditioning, and was in his office discussing the intel when it happened. I was fine, I don't know what his problem was. He sent me to my room. I think he was actually worried about me.   
Nothing is wrong with me. I'm fine. Really. Just as long as he doesn't take me to medical.

Day 88-  
Felt better this morning, I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me. Made it through all of my classes without any problems. Now if I could only eat...  
If I were in my right mind, I would be scared out of it; luckily, however, I am not. 

Day 89-  
I have lost several days. And the ones I remember have been in some drug induced fog.  
Apparently, Robert came to check on me the morning after my last entry, and found me almost unconscious. He said I was moaning, and covered with sweat.   
Of course, being his usual self, he managed to hide any sort of concern he might have felt for me while he told me this.  
He took me to medical, where they did all sorts of tests, trying to figure out what the problem was. Well, that's what they claim, anyway; I have no idea if they were telling the truth, and really think they weren't. But, it all ended in them taking me to surgery and removing my appendix. Apparently I had had appendicitis that ruptured, and then finally infected my whole abdomen. The only time Robert showed any emotion was when he said I had been near death, and I am sure that was just because all of his hard work would have gone to waste.  
I suppose now I will just be thrown away with the rest of the trash. Robert can start working on a new victim because I am finished. There's no way they are going to spend the time and money it will take to fix me. I mean, once they decided everything was infected, I'm sure they just closed it all back up to await further instructions. I would cry, but there are no tears left for me.


	6. Day 90-129

Day 90-  
I have nothing to do all day but lie here and contemplate the nature of my existence. At this juncture, I suppose it isn't so bad that I leave the semi-world that they have trapped me in. At some point we all die, the matter is how...or when. Maybe even why. Not that why means all that much when you're already dead.  
I wonder how it will go; and why they continue to keep me here-like I can provide them with any intel that isn't already in one of their computers somewhere. What is the use in torturing me-letting me sit here wondering when it will happen? They have been putting stuff in my IV, and don't really tell me what it is, but I haven't felt anything yet.   
They could at least feed me! 

Day 91-  
I can tell I am feeling better because I threw the Jell-O at the nurse. hehe Might as well get what I want-last meal, and all. Well, he brought in that crappy Jell-O that tastes like.....umm.....well....tastes like salted cardboard, and expect me to eat it. NOT going to happen. My stomach is working just fine, thank you.   
You know, you'd think with all of the people they 'recruit' there would be more who could cook. Or maybe they just feed this slop to the people in medical to punish us for being ill. Yah, that sounds like them. 

Day 92-  
I am just enjoying my stint in the white room of nothingness. If you look at the walls long enough, it feels like they aren't there. You know, like when you look at corduroy material for a long time and your eyes go buggy, bringing your brain with it? The IV pole is the only thing that breaks the monotony; for some insane reason, they have also made the sheets, pajamas, and tables white. Along with the lone steel monolith now, there are tiny spots of yellow, green, and orange for decoration. I figure, if I'm not going to actually eat the Jell-O, I shouldn't waste it-I am 'reusing' it. 

Day 93-  
Robert came to see me. He didn't speak at first, just looked at me. It was kind of weird, like he was trying to speak to me through mental telepathy, or something. I offered him some Jell-O to break the silence; he was making me nervous. That must have been the first time he's ever smiled. Must have been at my attempt to off him with the hospital food-he was so proud!!  
Didn't say much, as usual, just said to be careful and eat the food-oh, now he wanted to off me!!   
Why does he care if I eat or not, I am not going to be here long, anyway. But, to make him go away, I made a big deal of eating some of the slop that was on my plate. Wasn't so bad; it actually felt kind of good, finally to have something in that belly of mine. 

Day 94-  
If they are going to do this, why don't they just get it over with?! Do they want me to get a little better so they can use me for target practice, or something? I knew they were cruel, but this is going way too far. What is going on, anyway? The nurses come and go without speaking to me, or telling me what they are putting into my veins. Robert occasionally looks in, and I have seen him standing outside the frosted glass door.   
I am so confused. 

Day 95-  
Well, I guess they decided that having already put in so much time and effort, they might as well keep me around for now. I have been released from medical, and am now back in my own little hovel. It has never looked so comforting as when Robert opened its door.   
He came in around noon-after lunch, the evil troll-and told me to get up and put on a robe, that he was taking me back to my room. I'm sure the confusion was obvious on my face, but he never really explained anything to me. All he said was my condition had improved, and that I could finish recuperating in my regular room. I had to fight to keep the tears back; after thinking for so long that any minute I would be dead, it was a relief to find my fears untrue. Even in this place, I guess, life isn't so bad. 

Day 96-  
Well, Robert apparently doesn't believe in recuperating! The only thing that saved him from whatever wrath I could have mustered was the most wonderfully smelling and tasting breakfast. Oh man, it was the best meal I have ever had; of course, after that hospital crap anything would be good. I can't believe they expect people to get strength from that-you can't eat it.  
So, after he wooed me with this ambrosia, he whips out his PDA. Great; luckily I wasn't lulled into anything by his offering, so I was prepared for him. To keep my skills up, he says, he wants me to evaluate the intel on the disk, and report to him by noon. He's crazy, I realized that after I looked at the disk. So much intel to filter through, I thought I was never going to figure it out. Yes, I must be crazy too, because I did exactly what he asked, and made it in ten minutes under the wire. whew.   
Shouldn't have felt that relieved because he gave me a new disc with lunch. Is this his very disturbed way of letting me know he cares about me? maybe.  
Tomorrow I may be able to get up and walk around some. He'll probably walk me right into systems; and, you know, I wouldn't mind that one bit. 

Day 97-  
Well, he brought me another trojan breakfast. At this point, I don't care too much because he is bringing me the most amazing food; I have to get sick more often!! As I thought, he decided that I should get up and walk around some-since when is he a doctor? After watching me eat breakfast-like I wouldn't eat all of this food!-he got me up, and we were off. Contrary to my initial thought, however, we didn't go straight to systems.   
First we walked by the gym, where several recruits were learning karate-obviously they were new because you could just see a hint of attitude and hope. He had me watch them, and explain to him how I would correct their movements; what was this all about? a test? Maybe they still are going to cancel me if I don't measure up....no, that doesn't make sense. He just does whatever he thinks will be helpful to my 'education.'   
So, after giving him my thoughts, he nodded, and walked on. I was so confused, and it felt weird to talk to him like I actually knew something. Our next stop was the firing range, where he had me essentially do the same thing.  
Then, after-thankfully-letting me have some lunch, he took me to systems, where he sat me in front of one of the computers. Even though I was honestly thankful for the distraction, I managed to give him a hard time about it-which, of course, didn't phase him a bit. He gave me three discs, and said that he expected me to be done by the evening. No problem, except instead of just being filled with intel, each disc was full of several problems and scenarios that I had to solve by looking through intel on my computer, and sheer determination. I think God was with me because by the time he came looking for me, I was already back in my room. He looked at me strangely when he finally found me, I think being efficient was a bad thing. I am expecting three times the work tomorrow. Oh well. 

Day 98-  
They let me work today!!!! Wohooo!!!! One of the doctors came by, and said that I was okay to start working. Well, he said, light work, but still! So, I went directly to the gym, and joined my group. The sensei was actually kind to me for once, then told me that I would have to do just kata for the next week-he didn't want me to do any full contact just yet. chicken. Of course, perhaps I was a bit too excited for my own good. I think the doctor had talked with all of my instructors because the whole day I was kept at half speed. But, I didn't care because I was finally doing something besides sitting on my butt! After lunch, though, Robert caught me and took me back to systems, saying that I needed to do a few half days before I can do a whole day of work. I was a little mad at first, but after thinking about it, I realized that he was right, as usual.  
After setting me up with four discs this time, he left; with an awfully evil smirk. When I was still there seven hours later, I understood the smirk; he is evil, pure evil. But, when he finally came to rescue me, he sat there for at least an hour explaining it all thoroughly. He is a good guy. Sometimes. 

Day 99-  
What is it about men that makes grown women turn into wimpy little children? Turns out Sam came to see me while I was in medical; the nurse told me he came twice, both times while I was out on drugs.   
I wouldn't have known, except Alec came by to see how I was doing this afternoon. When he disappeared from our group, they had transferred him to a computer systems track; thank God, after spending months in the bowels of hell with him, he is like a brother to me. So, when he visited me in medical, he saw Sam in there, just sitting by my bed.   
Why didn't he come when I was awake?! Why doesn't he come now? This has got to be a ploy. Maybe Alec is in on it, too, and he is trying to get me to play their game. No, Alec wouldn't do that-would he?  
This place is evil. 

Day 100-  
Rebellion. Death. Destruction. End of all things good. This is like one of those movies you see on the late show where the world has gone to hell in a hand basket, and people are running around with clubs and shoddily made knives trying to survive while attempting to off everyone else. Makes you wonder exactly how civilized we are.

Day 101-  
Wow, one hundred days...it passed without me even noticing. Actually many, many days ago. I wonder what is happening on the outside; is there really an 'outside', or is it just a figment of our collective imaginations? Of course, for me this is life. Or, death. Something, anyway.  
Sensei is letting me do more in practice now. I can practice the movements, I just can't fight anyone yet. Still say he is chicken...Robert, I know, thinks I'm nuts. He has been telling me to be careful, and not overdo it. Doesn't he know, that if I don't do what I can, then I am nothing? 

 

Day 102-  
It still seems odd to be counting days in the hundreds; that feels like forever, and not, at the same time. Maybe this isn't real, it's all some dream. But where did it start; at section, in jail, when I left for college, birth? When.....  
Robert has been vaguely referring to some mission that is coming up. I'm not sure if I will have any part in it, but I think he is having me do some of the background work. It is exciting, in a way.

Day 103-  
How many days has it been? Feels like forever, and never; when did it begin, and yet, did it actually begin? I have been here and there for several days, getting only enough sleep to keep away the worst throes of exhaustion, but not enough to let me think completely straight.  
We have been in a frenzied hunt for Mark Sherlin. I have spent hours after hours staring at a computer screen following his movements, and excavating his past, but I still am not sure who he is, or, was. I have seen him standing at a window, sitting on a mission van seat, and lying on the floor, but still am not sure what he looks like.  
Robert collected me several days ago, asking me to start working on this case; he wanted to know everything there was to know about this man, and how I would put it together. I worked on it for several days, I think, taking short breaks for sustenance, and falling asleep occasionally at the keyboard; although he never actually told me, I got the distinct feeling that this was extremely urgent.  
When I had finally exhausted all resources, including the resident computer genius, I wrote my report, and brought it to him. After a long discussion, occasionally heated as I defended some of my thoughts then realized his point, we arrived at our destination.  
Then the surprise came. After allowing me to assist him in developing the profile, he put me on the team. I still can't believe it, it's like a dream, something I never expected-at least at this point in my training. Of course I wasn't part of the main team, but I was allowed to watch from the mission van while I assisted Robert; he was running the mission from the van, in case he was needed.   
Of course, everything went smoothly, and the team brought Mr. Sherlin in exactly as we had profiled. The feeling was amazing.

Day 104-  
Just when you think you've recovered, you're not.   
I went back to regular classes today; everyone was very friendly, but detached-I suppose I disappear enough that they have decided to stop wondering if I am dead or not. I wonder if they know where I go, or if they care; or if they do know, are they upset? No one else seems to have a mentor like I do.  
But, back in karate, I finally got to spar again with everyone. It was great, kicking and punching, and getting out all of those kinks I had developed over the last several days. However, round about lunchtime I was very sorry I had done so much-oooh so sore. Tonight I can barely walk; I am sure sensei is going to laugh at me tomorrow when he sees me. Should have know better, but, it wouldn't have been as much fun.

Day 105-  
Yep, he laughed at me when I came stumbling in; I could barely get up this morning, but I tried my best to not show it. Still finished the class. In our classroom stuff, they have been starting to teach German, kind of fun, but difficult. As expected, Robert is now speaking to me in German. I wonder how many languages they think we can absorb. I wonder how many Robert knows, I have heard him speaking at least four. That man never ceases to amaze me.  
Saw Sam today. Luckily he didn't see me; I was able to watch him walking into systems to talk to another male operative. You know, I haven't seen him with another woman since that whole awful incident. No, that doesn't make it better! He is an awful, jerk of a man, not worth the powder to blow him away.

Day 106-  
Day after day after day. It's just all the same; I don't see how anyone stays sane in here. Of course, that would mean that anyone in here IS sane, which I have not so far witnessed. Here is a place which is supposedly dedicated to the protection of the world from evil terrorist groups-as opposed to the friendly terrorist groups, I suppose-and they do their best to just stomp down the single person who is supposed to do all of this protecting. Can't they see that that is so counterproductive?! I mean, I must be seriously missing something here, some key to personnel management that says you must treat people like shit to get them to work well and be loyal.  
I try to do well, to do what they want, but they just shoot me down. I mean, just in some random fashion. No, I am not perfect, no one is, and I don't care how many examples they give-these are people who just make mistakes when no one is looking, they have figured out how to work the system. So, those of us, who haven't figured it out, or don't want to play the game are left with shit. argh! HOW can I ever survive this place, having to be perfect!?; for 'them', for the teachers, for Robert...for me?

Day 107-  
Sam finally found me. I was walking back from lunch, and he was waiting for me in one of the cross hallways-there was no way I could avoid him without making a huge scene. He took me to a quiet corner, where he insisted on apologizing, and trying to explain what had happened way back when. I told him we were both different back then, and that all was in the past; as was any interest I had in him. Funny, he didn't seem to be discouraged.   
Don't these people ever stop?

Day 108-  
If I had enough energy to do it, I would wonder how this sort of pace can be kept up; especially when looking forward to nothing but the same. When you know you will make it through, but it will be torturous, is it still living?

Day 109-  
So, I actually talked with Sam today. Yes, I know, I was going to ignore his lame ass, but he just looked so pathetic standing there by the cafeteria door that I went ahead and let him sit with me. I was a good little operative, and asked him about himself, and his life without spilling any of mine. Turns out he is a little older than I am; been in section about two years. Wasn't quite able to get him to tell me how he got here, but he did say that he had had a pretty bad childhood. Who hasn't? But, I agreed to meet him again-didn't say when.

Day 110-  
Oh, it was wonderful, we had another day at the farm. This time, though, it was so beautiful, and had such a splendid scent, that nothing they could do to us could have ruined it. Early spring is such a marvelous time. The buds have just started to come out, and yet it is not warm enough to make you uncomfortable. sigh I miss my time out in the garden, nurturing the little flowers and plants.   
You know, I'm not even homesick so much as yearning for some soil to run my toes through, and the smell of the ground after a good rain.

Day 111-  
This was just another day. I would say boring, but my dad always had an answer for me when I said I was bored. So, it was more karate, more time at the firing range, classes, cardiovascular exercise in the gym; nothing really new or challenging.   
Haven't seen Robert in a while, I wonder where he is. Even though I complain about him, and sometimes try my best to aggravate him, it really isn't the same without him here. He really does make this place bearable. Please tell me he isn't dead, or hurt, or worse yet, taken out of my training. I'm not sure I could handle life here in training without the occasional breaks for that old boring computer work, or those all nighters watching some geek trying to become a bad guy. No, not much here without him.

Day 112-  
Wow, this has been the MOST uninteresting day I have had here yet. I never imagined that this place could be this way, but I suppose after all of the initial terror and newness wears off, there is some comfort of familiarity. Kind of how you are so afraid of starting out in college-it seemed to big and imposing, and all of those students walking around knowing exactly where they were going, and talking to their pals along the way. But it wasn't long before I was one of those students, moving along in my college life like there had never been anything else. Kind of amazing how the human mind adapts to things.  
Still haven't seen Robert, I think tomorrow I will wander by medlab for a 'checkup.'  
Saw Sam briefly. Thank God. I think, if I ever became close to him again, it would just be for sex. I wonder if that is allowed around here; when it's not officially ordered, I mean.

Day 113-  
He is alive.  
At least that's what my source tells me. Kind of sad that I can't just walk in and ask, but around here, any kind of emotion isn't exactly welcomed. Once I told Robert that I liked Gina, and he chewed me out for 5 minutes; so depressing, how are we to become real people? They probably don't care. I wonder what the life expectancy is around this hellhole?   
But he says that Robert came in from a mission a few days ago with a bullet wound in his shoulder. He couldn't tell me how it had happened, but that he would be okay to leave in a few days. Thank God! I don't know what I would have done without him.

Day 114-  
Karate was fun today. We had 'dummy' weapons that we used to fight each other; luckily, we were also padded to the gills. But, we all got in some good shots, and none of us gave up shots very easily.   
Still learning German in class, it's kind of hard, but exciting to be able to speak in something other than English.   
Okay, I finally gave in. I have no idea why, except maybe that the relief that Robert was okay made me a little more forgiving. So we sat in the corner of the cafeteria again, talking and enjoying each others company. I actually spilled a little about myself, and got some more from him. His home was so much different than mine! It was in a tiny house in the middle of a run down suburb on the wrong side of tracks; or, that's how he puts it, anyway. Seven brothers and sisters pretty much made sure he had no attention at all from his parents, or anyone else for that matter-except the police.   
As much as I like to think we are different, we really aren't; we both grew up in a home that was essentially emotionally sterile. Great way to treat kids, isn't it? Just look where we ended up.

Day 115-  
Well, Robert must be feeling better because he nabbed me after lunch, and has only just now allowed me to stumble, bleary eyed, back to my room. He took me directly to systems, where he gave me several items to research; initially these appeared to be unrelated, but as I digged deeper, I realized what he wanted me to see. After staring at the computer screen until I thought I was a flat, one-dimensional plastic screen, I drug my nearly lifeless carcass to his office. It must have made him feel better because I think when we were done, he was 100%, and I was about 10%. Oh well, I'm glad to have him back-will NEVER tell him that. Hehe

Day 116-  
Robert caught me eating lunch with Sam, he didn't say anything, but his look was not pleased. Kind of proud of myself for noticing, he is very difficult to read. I wonder why he is so upset, it's not like I am getting attached to him or anything. Whatever. He should know he's the only man in my life, er, whatever this thing is called.

Day 117-  
Another trip to the farm. I swear, they must just do it to get us out of section-there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when we are taken out there. No preparation or briefing before, just wake us up early and off we go. I should just stop trying to figure out this crazy place, or I will go mad even faster.  
I shouldn't complain, though because it gets us out. Out is good. In is bad. I think; for now, anyway.   
We had to go through the ubiquitous obstacle course, dodging paint ball guns and bombs, and conquering foes. Hmm...almost sounds like a child's medieval fantasy...but the fairy Godmother doesn't come down to save anyone here.  
Still like the urban warfare drills. No idea why I like to bust in on rooms. Weird.

Day 118-  
Oh man, this was fun!! We had a field trip to some new place, not the farm. It involved a pretty long drive; and driving with this crowd is not exactly a party. I hadn't thought there could be a place more remote than the farm, but I was wrong. If there is a place on this earth that is more removed from civilization, I surely do not want to be there.   
But, we were taken there to BLOW STUFF UP!!!! wohoo!! We had our munitions instructor out with us and another group; we were assigned targets, and given access to several different explosive components. The task was to evaluate the target, choose the most appropriate explosive, assemble it, then blow the heck out of whatever it was. yeehaa! hehehe Okay, I really need to not think about exploding items...since the items I usually think about tend to be certain humans that are highly annoying.

Day 119-  
Well, here's the deal; I have just been on my first mission. It was awful.  
After several days of wondering how I would do on a mission, I finally found out-and it wasn't too bad, really. Turns out that last intel Robert had me look up was for this really big mission they were planning. Some arms dealer who supplied several factions that had a nasty habit of blowing up schools, daycares, sports arenas, basically anything that would hold the most civilians-preferably young. Lovely. Well, a few days ago-although it feels like several-Robert called me to his office, and said that I needed to report to systems to get instructions from my team leader and handed me a PDA. Just like that, no 'well, I think you're ready..' no pep talk...nothing. This man is a piece of work; although perhaps he thought that if he didn't make a big deal out of it I wouldn't either. I think it helped.  
So, I met Garza ( goes by his last name), and tried my darndest to act like I knew what the hell I was doing. !! We were the second team, covering the primary team as we infiltrated his compound. I actually fired my weapon. The only reason I wasn't petrified was because it all felt like some sort of weird dream, I mean, ME?? in a firefight?? SHOOTING at people?? No, no way. I, uhhhh....according to the profile we weren't supposed to come across any resistance. Good thing they decided to have more than one team because it seemed -to me, anyway- that it was about twice as well guarded as they said it was going to be. (so, was that intentional? or not)   
Sam was there. Didn't see him until we were on our way back in the van; they spread the wounded between the vans so we could lay them out. He had a pretty bad gunshot to his stomach, I'm not sure at all that he is going to make it, or if they're going to try.

Day 120-  
I was kept busy today. Not that I wanted to just hang out, and wonder how the injured operatives were doing. Even though we got back around 3am, Robert insisted that I attend all of my classes today. I suppose he's right, we all have to learn to run without energy; unfortunately.   
After our afternoon conditioning session, I used what was left of my fuel to drag myself to Robert's office. He might have been planning some evil thing for me because when I got there, he appeared to have this glimmer in his eyes that worried me. However, in one of his rare occasions of charity, he just gave me one assignment. Actually, he didn't even make me do it alone, we sat at his desk and worked on it together; me, of course, doing most of the work while he watched, throwing in one word comments here and there.  
By the time we were done, I was so tired that I barely even made it to dinner-which is very tired. haha   
Not going to think of those who are trying to heal.

Day 121-  
Managed to avoid Robert all day; quite a feat considering he seems to always know my location. In between classes, I ran over to medical to see how Sam was. No, I don't care about him, I barely even like him. I just wanted to see if he would still be able to teach me to dance.   
He was doing okay, even woke up briefly to smile at me. The doctors say he is doing a little better.

Day 122-  
In karate this morning I almost let the sensei beat me; I really need to concentrate more. To let something distract me is the last thing I need-I can imagine what they do around here to people who can't pay attention. I especially wouldn't be getting any more spots on missions. Not that they are the best things in the world, but in this semi-reality if you don't move up, you never move again.  
I have this strange feeling; not sure why, or where it comes from, but something isn't right. My source at medlab says he is still doing okay. Is he really?

Day 123-  
Everything appears okay; I know that is when you should be the most on your guard, but I really don't see anything at this point. I managed to get away from my chaperone's eagle eyes again to stop by medlab. Sam was sleeping quietly, and opened his eyes when I walked in. He almost made me start crying when he took my hand; he gazed into my eyes.   
He gazed into my eyes and said he loved me.  
He said he really did love me, and was sorry for the pain he had caused; sorry he had accepted me as a test.   
I wouldn't let him say anything else, he can say it the next time we eat lunch together. A weak smile was all I received in return. I kissed him on the forehead before I left; I don't think he felt it, but it helped me.

Day 124-  
You know that fresh smell after a rain? The one that gives a promise of a fresh, new start? Well, that's where Sam is; he has a home now where there are no lies, no pain, and no loss.   
Please keep him close to you, Lord.

Day 125-  
One after the other the days come, work filling them with dull changes that never last long enough to break through. As long as the world is grey, there is no happiness; I realize that now. There is no way it can survive, the little sparrow of hope in an airless vacuum.  
I managed to avoid Robert all day, there was no way I wanted to deal with him-he brings out emotions I don't want to feel. Even with his personality, which is basically a black hole of emotion....hmm.....  
I didn't like him, anyway. I mean, he used me; made me feel like a fool. He deserved whatever he got. Not that anyone really deserves to die, especially violently. What was he doing there? I thought he was a special operative; maybe he failed his test, or they needed more people-they brought me, didn't they? If Robert had wanted me to stop seeing him, why didn't he just say so? Did he try and I wasn't listening? But he wouldn't have had him killed just because I was having a bit of fun and companionship. That would just make me hate him, and love Sam. And he doesn't appear that stupid.  
Maybe it wasn't him.

Day 126-  
Why the hell am I here?? What, exactly is this all about, anyway!? I mean, it's not like I am a bad person, or evil, or cruel, or even mean. I was friendly, and helpful, and caring, and thought that the world was generally neutral, if not basically good. That was apparently the problem. In school I learned to not be so damn trusting of people-as I picked my heart up off the ground when a guy I thought liked me laughed in my face in front of his friends. Fuck. I am such a gullible idiot.   
At this point I don't even know what to do. I suppose my body is good for something if I let section have it-use it, kill it, whatever. I'm not there anymore.

Day 127-  
Nothing really new today; karate, firing range, lecture, cardiovascular workout, then to bed. Wasn't called into anyone's office, no special missions, or punishment.

Day 128-  
Wasn't able to sleep last night. Each and every corner of my ceiling has been investigated now, no crack hidden anywhere, in any dark recess. Perfect. Just a flawless white expanse without form or identifying mark. I wish I could be that way-perfect, with no flaws or blemishes, whatever they want me to be. Then maybe the pain would stop, that ache that started deep in the pit of my stomach the moment I entered the prison, but somehow didn't notice until now.

Day 129-  
I feel like walking around with my arms in front of me like those zombies I always saw on the late show. I wonder if they feel anything-heat, cold, pain, sadness...  
Did you know that you can study twice as long when you don't have to sleep?


	7. Dy 130-169

Day 130-  
Robert grabbed me as I was on my way to karate yesterday morning. Without saying anything, he lead me to a room I had never really seen before, and had me sit in a meditation pose. Then he left, still without a word spoken. The only thing he did was turn the lights down to a small glow just as he went out the door.  
I almost self destructed; memories, emotions, and thoughts flooded me as time came to a stand still. Flashes of my childhood, my school, the house-the fateful house, the emptiness of jail when my parents wouldn't come, Sam-loving him, hating him, losing him, Robert, wondering where I was, where I was going, frightened for my safety.  
That must have been what he wanted me to see. I have no idea how long it took me to get to that place, that evenness that one must have to survive. Realizing I had been teetering on the edge of a precipice scared me, even more than any threat from the dark powers that rule this reality. I almost lost myself, and that would have been giving in, giving up, giving out.  
Where to go from here? Why Robert helped me is a mystery; I'm sure he could have had a lot less trouble with someone else.   
When he finally came back, and opened the door, he silently watched me rise and shake off the stiffness that had gathered. Then, as I moved past him, he lightly rested his hand on my arm and searched my eyes. Apparently he saw what he wanted because just as quickly as he had placed it there, his hand was gone.   
You know, he didn't talk to me once, but for some reason I can't explain, I feel like we'd had the most important conversation.

Day 131-  
Robert collected me this morning, taking me to systems, where I was provided with the usual five discs of intel to sift through. He did a little more talking today, but only to tell me that I wasn't going to class the rest of this week-like I know what day it is. But I didn't feel brave enough to tell him that; I suppose that's how he knows I am not yet back to normal-whatever that is.  
Interesting stuff today-multiple threads to follow leading in several different directions. So far, I haven't been able to put it all together yet, but hopefully I'll get some sort of inspiration soon. Luckily Robert didn't expect a report from me today; in fact, I don't remember any mention as to when he expects one. huh. Well, once my eyes crossed and my fingers seemed glued to the keyboard, I thought it was time to take a break. Besides, when I get so tired, I can't come up with even one original thought, and that's what you need to work stuff like this-think outside the box. And while I am sure that is not encouraged here, people must do it because missions seem to get done, and we usually beat the 'bad guys.' Wait....no, we're not the bad guys. Right?

Day 132-  
I have been trying to get everything straight in my mind; all of the emotions, and thoughts, and stories-facts, lies-no way to tell the truth, or who to trust, or what to do to not get killed. Or is there a way to not get killed-is not getting killed a bad thing? The cacophony of voices and thoughts drowns out anything else I try to do, and certainly don't quiet when asked. I tried some meditation this afternoon, and got a little closer to silence, but not for very long.  
Luckily, I have done so much sifting, sorting, and tying together of intel that I don't need to be able to focus for most of it. It's just the final stages, the huge jumps that are required to make connections that require all of my attention; and the fear of Robert being disappointed kept me fairly well focused on that.  
When does it end, this muddle of thoughts and emotions? Does it ever? I thought about asking Robert about it, but...would he understand, would he cancel me, would he tell me what voices he has? I don't know.

Day 133-  
The mind was functioning better today; the body, well... Sitting at the desk for so many hours yesterday made me very stiff. Luckily Robert understood that, and allowed me to spend some time in the gym for a break-stretches, forms, and light weights. I think it would have been fun to spar, but he declined-he must be scared. Right, not going to let that get back to him. He could probably beat me with his little finger.  
Almost thought I saw Sam today, but it was some new kid. He had this stunned look like we all do the first few weeks; this can't be real, when will I wake up sort of thing. We'll see if he makes it past the wanting to be dead phase, then maybe I'll talk to him.

Day 134-  
Well, after staring at a computer screen until I was at one with it, I finally finished my project. Never did manage to get everything to fit into one nice little package; got close, but I just couldn't get a link to that last guy.  
So, head hanging in shame, I presented myself to Robert, and waited for him to bite my head off. I was so scared, I hate disappointing people in general, and here, when you do, it's about your last time. He had me sit in the chair while he read my report; my hands were shaking in my lap, images of being stuck back in basic training running through my head. Now, let me just say right here that Robert is an evil man. Really. After reading the report, does he say anything, does he nod, or shake his head? NO! He stood up, walked toward the door, saying we needed to eat dinner. argh!!  
Finally, after choking down some sustenance, not even noticing what it was, we made it back to his office. About ready to pass out from anxiety, I followed him around to his side of the desk and pulled up my report; I know, VERY risky, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.  
So, after all of that, what does he say? He said that I missed one connection. That's it-one tiny little thing that didn't really have much significance. When he showed it to me, it was so simple, I can't believe I missed it-of course, that's probably why. The one piece that didn't fit? It was a red herring he had put in, to make sure I was able to sort out what was not relevant. I could have killed him, he could have told me it was random intel, instead of making me worry about it this whole time. This is the first time he'd ever included anything not relevant.  
Yes, I am whining. Yes, it was good for me. And, yes, he was right.

Day 135-  
Do you ever wonder why we are here? I mean, not in section, but in the world. If people are going to be evil and cruel, then what is our purpose; to explore the depths of cruelty, or inhumanness? Is there any good, anywhere? We are supposed to be the good guys, but when I look around, I see fear, and oppression, and hunger for life. Funny that we exemplify the very things we are supposed to be eliminating. What is that old saying about two wrongs not making a right?...

Day 136-  
I love Robert.  
This man has the most patience of any man I have ever met. I did such a bad today; a lesser man would have given up on me by now. Did I mention that I love him?   
So, after collecting me from my quarters in the morning, Robert took me to the firing range; it must have been early because we were the only ones there. A complex simulation was set up involving numerous hostiles and innocents, requiring some tricky shooting. The very last target was so difficult, it required a duck and roll with a shot in the center of the roll. Didn't make it. Tried twice, and nothing, nada, not going to happen. I swore that it was the angle, there was no way that the shot could be made from where he wanted me to start. He just nodded, and let me think that my assessment was reasonable, although the look on his face told me I was wrong.  
The rest of the day I thought about it, going over the exercise in my mind, trying to think through the variations and permutations. Then, finally, while I was supposed to be evaluating some intel, it hit me. It was ME! I was wrong; if I would have entered that last series at a slightly different angle, I could have easily hit the hostile with a clear shot. I think Robert saw the light go on, but he didn't say anything.  
Have I mentioned that I love that man?

Day 137-  
I have met the most annoying person on the planet, but he's cute, and I kind of like him. I think I am going nuts. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk to him very much because Robert was expecting me in systems. As far as I can tell, he has a very vivid imagination, and thinks that he was a Russian spy in his former life; I find that hard to believe because if he was a good Russian spy, he would still be there, and if he was bad at it, he wouldn't be here.  
Or, maybe my problem is that I spent 18 of 24 hours in front of the computer screen studying the geopolitics and economy of the former Soviet Union, and several terrorist splinter groups therein.  
I am so looking forward to my bed tonight.

Day 138-  
Sleep is an unrecognizable acquaintance; I haven't seen it for what feels like several years. My room has definitely been given to someone else by now because I obviously don't need it. After several hours of looking at screen after screen of intel, Robert and I developed a profile based on that hypothetical intel. Then, when we had finally gotten everything worked out, we went through personnel profiles from recruits to make up a team. All in all it was quite the experience because while we monitored from the com center at the farm, they implemented it in a mock assault on an opposing team. Robert was on tactical, so I could see how much was involved, especially when the operatives are inexperienced.  
Amazing. I wonder how he does it. Robert never, ever looks tired. What's up with that?

Day 139-  
Better now; a little more sleep, I think. Today was a little frustrating, actually kind of scary. Got called into Dragon-lady's office. Had no idea what I had done, but obviously it was something; she hadn't called me in there since Sam. Sam. Feels like ages since we've been together; I know I didn't really love him-hindsight is always through rose colored glasses-but he was a good one.   
So, as I'm shaking in my boots-trying hard not to show it, of course, I sit in her office while we exchange meaningless pleasantries. Man, I am thinking that we could just chit-chat forever, skipping the whole main discussion, and that would be just fine with me.   
Finally, after what seemed like hours, she decided to get to the point. I was sitting there just hoping the axe would fall fast. The topic she chose almost shocked me more than if it were a berating; she asked how our mock mission was, and complimented me on my performance in it. My jaw almost dropped, but luckily I recovered quickly.  
Too weird. Just when you think you have this place down....I guess it's to catch those who don't keep up. In my mind, she is still evil.

Day 140-  
You'd think I would stop counting the days after a while. I suppose I have some sort of sick interest in knowing how long I've been here. Not that the number on the journal page is accurate; no, too many overnight exercises, both in the field, and on computer. But, when I feel like I haven't ever been anywhere else I can look back and see that I have really only been here perhaps a year. God, it seems like forever-like there was never anything else before this. Of course, now there isn't.

Day 141-  
The days come mercilessly one after the other, after the other. Just when I think I can't possibly do one thing more, up comes another task, and I somehow manage to do it. I feel like I am 80 years old-tired, achy, disillusioned, bitter. Logic tells me that I should be able to regain my strength and stamina if I can just get a break. My heart tells me that it doesn't care if I do or not. Perhaps being in this dull, robotic mode is better than missing feelings-love, freedom, hope...

Day 142-  
Do you ever wonder if the world is real or imagined? Is reality a state of mind, or constraints thrust upon us by the majority?  
Will I ever get enough sleep to actually think?

Day 143-  
Wow, I must have had some serious reactions to that dinner we had because last night's entry was too weird. Not that I don't think of that stuff, but just the way it sounded....Oh, I don't know.  
Still trying to figure this place out. I know I never will, but thinking about it keeps me on my toes.  
I miss Sam. Sometimes I just need human contact; around here, it is very scarce. Even if it occurs, the implications and possibilities are enough to make you go mad; or celibate-same thing.

Day 144-  
What a long day. We had to drive all over the country, it seemed, as we tailed our subject. Apparently, Robert thought this particular mission would be a good time for me to learn to properly tail someone. Right. It would help if I knew all those fancy move the good guys seem to know on TV. But, this guy wasn’t the brightest star in the universe; I suppose that’s why Robert picked this mission for me, pretty much no way I could spook him.  
We ended up at a warehouse, where we left him to whatever devices he could maneuver.  
So, back in my room. Boring. NOT going to let anyone else know that-I am not stupid-but it gets kind of lonely just hanging out, and doing whatever I am told to do. I miss the other recruits; I hope they are doing well. Perhaps I can get away long enough tomorrow night to see what they are up to; that is, if they are still in the same rooms.   
This must be how the upper level operatives become so far removed from everyone else. Absolutely no contact; no interaction with others that isn’t somehow malevolent.

Day 145-  
Didn't get out to see my old friends like I had hoped. I really get the feeling I am not supposed to interact with anyone not condoned and scripted by section. Makes me want to puke; but I don't feel up to trying to change it. I have no idea where my old pals have gone, they are not in their old rooms, and what limited investigation I did showed no clues as to their current whereabouts. They must have gone on in their training somewhere else; whether that's in section, or out of section I have no idea. I'm sure Robert won't tell me, so I haven't even tried. Sad, isn't it? What an attitude. Not even upset, just....apathetic.  
One thing worries me, though. Robert has been teaching me how to use a compass, and basics of celestial navigation; which is fine, and actually very fascinating. However, this morning, he gave me a panel which he said 'might be interesting for you.' So what was on this interesting panel? Plants, insects, survival shelter, how to build fires, trapping, tracking; all things one might need if one somehow found herself in the wilderness. Now, I understand the survival value of knowing how to shoot, and tail people, but this stuff? It scares me-what, exactly, am I going to need it for?

Day 146-  
No clue yet as to what the 'interesting information' is for, but I am diligently studying it, as I know I will probably need it at some point. Of course, if one were to escape section, these things would be helpful...yah, right before you became food for all of those edible insects.

Day 147-  
Robert let me join a martial arts class this morning. It wasn't my group, in fact they were relative beginners-maybe only three or four months along. It was kind of fun; our old rivalry was reborn as we demonstrated certain moves for them, and culminated in an all our sparring match between us that ended with both of us on the ground. Too funny. But I learned a lot helping the recruits get their forms right, and answering their questions. I always thought teaching would be difficult-and it is-but I have learned so much, and it's only been one day.  
I hope he lets me do it again.

Day 148-  
The days pass, one after the other in a never-ending succession of hours. No sunrise or sunset serves to mark the days, since I am not allowed outside section on my own. If I could live on the outside, like I hear the older operatives get to do, I would be so much happier. I think. On the other hand, I suppose they find some way to ruin it out there, too. If I cared about anything, right now I'd be depressed.

Day 149-  
Spent another day with the karate instructor. I am really having fun with this; no pressure, no yelling, no Robert watching over my shoulder. Just hours of punches, kicks, forms, and helping others appreciate the beauty-and lethality-of martial arts. Even though I know it is a pipe dream, I would love to be assigned here permanently.   
Saw Alec today. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone!! He is still learning computer skills, and was laughing about how he had hacked into some US government computer system. Okay, whatever; if we weren't above the law, I would be worried about him. Wait a minute, I AM worried about him!

Day 150-  
Robert gave me a kind of pop quiz on the survival intel this morning. Getting a little bit worried about the implications. I wonder when I am going to need this.

Day 151-  
What IS it about men that just frustrate the hell out of you? I know half the time they don't try, and still I just want to kick them. Or kiss them. ARGH! And they think Section is difficult to figure out. And why am I thinking about TWO men?! What the hell is up with me?

Day 152-  
More interrogation from Robert over the survival intel he gave me. I have a feeling that something is coming up soon; he is letting me spend more and more time in the gym rather than on my butt in systems. What, exactly, are they up to?  
In karate I was a very good girl...until class was over. Then the sensei and I had an all out sparring match that left us both exhausted, lying on the ground. Nuts. But we now have an understanding. I have to admit-sometimes the male way of settling things actually works. This will be the only time I admit that, of course.

Day 153-  
I think-I have no idea what day it is, or even if it is daytime. Finally drug my ass back into section on my own power thank you very much. Exhausted; I thought I knew what that was before, but now I know. Now I know I can survive anything.   
Did you know that worms don't taste as bad as you think they might?

Day 154-  
My debrief was incoherent. My brain is barely functioning. I wonder how long it will take to get back that one working brain cell that I use most of the time.   
Robert came to my room several days ago, he woke me and said it was time. While I dressed, he delineated my task; move from point A, where I would be dropped off, to rendezvous point B, where I would be picked up. The rub was, of course, in the details; I would be alone, with nothing more than a small knapsack containing a knife, a few matches, and a short length of rope. In my pockets I could carry a map and compass, but that was all I was allowed. The final key was that I had to make it in exactly seven days-if I failed, I would be left there. Which isn't as nice as one would have initially thought.  
This was the wildest wilderness I would ever have imagined. The map showed no settlement whatsoever, and if that didn't scare me, the hours of flight over endless trees did.  
Oh, my head is swimming. I suppose Robert can wait another day for the debrief-I deserve a break. Now, he may not think that...

Day 155-  
Apparently Robert didn't agree with my aforementioned need for a break. This morning I was back in karate, helping the sensei break in a new group of recruits. I suppose it was good for me, otherwise my muscles would have continued their formation into tiny little guitar strings.  
It wasn't that bad, thinking back on it. But after not sleeping for, well, however many days I didn't sleep, my body was rebelling in any way it could find. And one would think that being a WILDERNESS area, that there would be WILDLIFE there. Oh no, not true; well, not very damn many that I could catch, anyway. Hence the need for worms. And grubs. Actually kind of tasty when you fry them over an open flame with a few pine needles for flavor. Raw ones.....well....they are okay, I suppose. As long as I was starving, and my eyes were closed!  
It took almost the whole time to get to the rendezvous point; and that meant almost no sleep. Fortunately, it only rained once, and I was able to construct shelter in time to not get drenched.   
While it was difficult to sustain myself while trekking through the wilderness guided only by a ten year old map and a compass, I have this wonderful feeling of accomplishment, and wouldn't take it back if I could.

Day 156-  
I feel like I can do anything! Not that I would tell anyone that-they would probably test me somehow. They will anyway, of course, but I don't want them to try extra hard on my account.

Day 157-  
Saw Alec again today; unfortunately it was only for a few minutes, and I didn't get to talk to him. After not seeing him for such a long time, he actually looked....dare I say it....good? This place must be agreeing with him. I hope that doesn't mean he is turning into one of them.

Day 158-  
Interesting place they have here, all sorts of fun and games and pleasant little diversions. Did I mention the lovely simulators? You know, like the ones that shock you every so often, just to keep you on your feet? Wonderful little devices; apparently they want to teach you to withstand pain and still be able to shoot accurately. Don't want those little operatives falling down on the job-have to make sure they can kill the bad guy while they are dying. What ever. Not like all of the punches and kicks didn't dull my senses.  
Robert was conveniently absent today. Chicken. He follows me everywhere else, I suppose he doesn't need to have his senses dulled any more than they already are-don't want him to get lost.

Day 159-  
What to say; my mind is a blank. Robert took me out to do some surveillance today, but this time it was actually daytime. And we were in a little cafe, right on the street-watching the hotel across from us. It was a scummy little thing-the hotel, I mean-with dirty windows covering God knows what, with a facade that was probably once quite beautiful marble or granite, but now only showed the passage of years. The men that entered looked just as haggard, and I wondered who in there could be dangerous enough to warrant section's attention. Knowing I wouldn't get a good answer, I kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. Well, until the waiter came with the coffee...mmm.......and scones........ It was heaven; section coffee tastes like the bottom of an ashtray after it's been in the mud. This coffee-this coffee was fabulous, a breeze wafting through the palms at sunset, with just a hint of intrigue.   
Had to keep my thoughts focused on the food. Otherwise I kept wandering to thoughts I should not have; thoughts that lead only to sorrow and suffering for me, and anyone else involved in them. But it's hard not to envy the couple walking by arm in arm secure in the knowledge that they were the only two people on the earth. And who can blame someone for a little squabble now and then, as long as they infuse you with life? I'll never have these things. Never feel the warmth of a lover's touch for no other reason than because he loves me; the comfort and security of an embrace does not exist in the plane I live in. Just emptiness, and hurt, loss of hope, and anger.  
No, I can never have any of those things, for I'm not a real person.

Day 160-  
Isn't it funny how a mood can hit, and just stay with you for days at a time? Nothing you do, or say can change it; in fact everything is skewed toward whatever direction it is in. I mean, I get my job done, there's no question about that. If it didn't get done I wouldn't have to think about killing myself; although their methods tend to be a little more graphic. Even when I do something right, or well-like hitting a distant mark with my rifle-it's a hollow victory. One more piece missing from my human suit.   
I want to feel empty.

Day 161-  
The world is going to Hades in a hand basket. And we're trying to stop it? Kind of like that old myth with the guy who has to continually roll the boulder back up the hill-wherever that's from. Huh, some of high school did stick, what do you know.  
Just as futile as teaching high school kids mythology.

Day 162-  
Now I see why you might cancel someone; why they could really just piss you off so much that any method of offing them would appear pleasant. Stupid freaking maintenance guys-I want to know which dark alleyway section found them in because they definitely were bums somewhere. argh So, I am trying to get my work done in time for me to actually get some sleep, and the jackass who was supposed to fix the terminal doesn't show up on time. Can't use another one because they are all already in use, and Robert was using his-not that I would ask him for help, anyway-so I had to wait, and wait, and wait. All the while, imagining the things I would like to do to him. When he finally showed, he had some lame excuse for his tardiness, like all men not even close to believable, and begged me not to tell anyone. After keeping me up that long waiting and sitting around, there was no way I would say yes to that. Not to mention, they get very cranky around here when you don't tell the truth-kind of funny that way, as long as they are the ones lying they're fine, but anyone else lie, and God help you.

Day 163-  
You never really know exhaustion until you feel it. I mean, you may think you know, but you never truly know until it hits you like a mac truck. Blindsides you when you think you have it all down pat. God help me, I think I may live.

Day 164-  
Sometimes I get that feeling that I am just some number in a book of numbers in a library of books. No one cares if you're living or dead; someone else could do your job just as well, and if you make enough fuss they will. I suppose that's real emptiness.   
Of course Robert cares about me. Not sure why-I think just because he can control me, for now, and not for anything I am in particular. I represent his ability to pass on his skills to someone else.  
I remember some time during the first few weeks of college, some of my friends and I sat in the basement 'bar' of one of the dorms. We lounged on bean bag chairs, drinking cheap beer, and watched The Wall. Too bad we weren't shrooming-maybe it would have made sense. ha But those grey drones are very familiar; maybe that was about section.

Day 165-  
Wow, all sorts of weird things go through my mind when I am tired. Still haven't really recovered from my mission. Hard to remember what really went on, we were so busy all the time, and not much intel was trickled down to the peons. Lots of moving material, changing positions, and surveillance in cramped quarters guaranteed every free moment was spent with eyelids shut. Not sure how long we were there, but it couldn't have been that long-dragon lady's rose was still fresh.

Day 166-  
Ah, had a wonderful morning; after a bit of a rough start. Robert allowed me to go back to the dojo this morning to train-okay, actually he basically said I had to go. But my body was still so sore and tight from the mission that it took at least half of my concentration just to ignore it! You know that feeling where you're right on the edge, and any little interruption will push you over? Well, that's just what happened this morning. Got there early to stretch and have some quiet practice time; however, two of the recruits got there before the sensei, and were chatting away without any regard for the peace. It was too much-I turned on them, and basically threatened them with their lives if they so much as uttered a peep. Not exactly good manners, but they have to be taught.  
The funny thing was, the sensei saw and heard it all, and didn't mention any of it to me. I guess he does understand how things are; not a bad guy after all.

Day 167-  
I WANT OUT!!! I WANT TO BE FREE!! I want to be able to take a walk whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to go out in the great blue yonder without having to kill everyone I meet. I want to have the ability to take a piss without someone duly recording it. I want to think that the people I meet are kind and considerate, rather than cruel and heartless. I want someone to hold me.  
It's just so unreal; I can't even think about it now, can't examine the intricacies of each encounter, and how it relates to all other encounters-whether real or imagined. No wonder they watch carefully for suicide-if they don't kill you physically, the mind games are more than enough to put you over the edge. Of course, if I just didn't care it might be easier. I get the feeling, though, that you have to be brighter than the average grunt to make it in the higher echelons, and that is where most 'survival' takes place.

Day 168-  
A good old fashioned day of hard work. Started out early with martial arts, then to the firing range, and several hours in the gym in the afternoon. I got to spend some time tutoring some newer recruits in the finer points of geopolitics and nonrenewable resources. All in all it was a good day. I still feel somewhat dull, and flat, but at least I'm not going to explode any time soon now.  
Robert didn't come around asking for any extra work; dragon lady didn't call me in for some weird discussion on male/female relations and how I should be a femme fatale. A nice quiet day-those are good once in a while.

Day 169-  
I still have the chills from today; this has been the most odd day. And that's saying a lot around this place! Early this morning, Dragon Lady called me into her office-not too unusual, but usually Robert tells me when I am wanted there. She sits me down, and has this nice long discussion on men, and how easy it is for women to influence them by appealing to their less, logical side.  
Then-and this is what gave me the chills-she instructed me to practice on a certain operative. I am to obtain particular intel, and report back to her within two days. Okay, first of all, this gives me the creeps. Second of all, I have never done this before, so I have no idea if I will succeed, and if I don't...? Lastly, two days?!-thank God the intel isn't that sensitive.   
I see him every so often, and he seems nice. I hope. This is the first time I have ever really been scared; not sure at all if I'll make it through this one. I wish I could talk to someone, but I know Robert wouldn't, and I have noone else. I miss Sam.


	8. Day 170-219

Day 170-  
You know, out of all the things they could have chosen to do to make section a more livable place, they chose the food. Now, I am not one to tempt fate by complaining, but couldn't they have figured out some way to, say let us have more freedom, or less dying, or, hell, softer beds, even? But no, we get hammered all day long, are videotaped while taking a shower, then go to a blindingly white cafeteria and eat food that is fit for kings. What gives? Although one could argue that if the operatives are to be in top working shape, they need proper fuel, so to speak. I fear I will never understand this place enough.   
Spoke with my target today; got some of the information. Have an early lunch tomorrow. Robert seems to be allowing me time for this-I wonder if he approves.

Day 171-  
I took an extra long shower tonight, but the slime just wouldn't come off. I wonder if that's what happens to the successful ones-they get suffocated by the slime they perpetrate. After they are dead a second time, they can do anything. No concern, no remorse, no emotions. Now I truly know what happened to Robert-they used him up.

Day 172-  
I miss my cat. There's something about having a fuzzy little creature snuggle up to you when you feel alone. A warm body that only wants a bowl of food, and a scratch behind the ears now and then. Just a living thing to touch and hold.  
I hate being used as a weapon; hate having to hurt my own team even more. There is something seriously wrong when you have to deceive people that are supposed to be on your side.

Day 173-  
Robert must be psychic; he hasn't really seen me the last two days, but somehow he knows my mood. Either that, or he knows that this is a hard job when you still have emotions. Maybe he is human...nah.   
This morning, he collected me before breakfast, said we had some work to do. So, what does he do? Takes me out to that same coffee shop, but this time there is no surveillance. Didn't really talk, but it was a comfortable silence. I swear, Robert can be such a gem.

Day 174-  
ARGH! What IS it about men that they have to be so darned frustrating?! I swear, if I thought Robert had any sense of humor at all I would think he was doing this just to taunt me. Very tempted to do my best to beat the crap out of him. I know I would lose, but it would make me feel better; to just get it OUT!  
This afternoon, he says good job finding that intel. Knowing how easily he deals out praise I felt great...until the corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly. That bastard had let me work all morning long on something I thought was important, and here he sits, grinning like an idiot with the disc of intel in his hand. argh! Gonna kill him. Really gonna kill him.

Day 175-  
Ooooh, fresh victims today. Wait a minute, that sounds wrong. Wow, must be starting to fit in here; got a new batch of 'recruits' today in martial arts class. I really appreciate sensei allowing me to help him teach, I have learned so much, and definitely remain humble. Well, sort of. It seems just a few months ago I was one of those, no training, no discipline, no future. Now, two out of three isn't bad. (Definitely need a vacation, or a man, one of the two.)

Day 176-  
Ever notice that you never need someone until you don't have them? I mean, it's no big deal having a friendship go south on you on the outside. But here, in section, when a friend betrays you....well....your whole world goes. Sometimes literally, if it's bad enough. As opposed to most situations on the outside, betrayal here can cause death. Which is fairly hilarious, considering we all practice it every day.  
I spent most of the evening praying and meditating, trying to get some sort of peace. After a while, it was almost magical how I felt at one with the world. But it didn't last long enough-managed to start worrying again. At least it was there, for even a short time to give me hope.

Day 176-  
Ever since I have been allowed to help with the new recruits, life has been just the tiniest bit better. There is no complete freedom in section, but there are variations on the theme. Just found this out-watching the stuff they are required to do and subject themselves to do. I feel kind of like the senior student watching the struggles of the freshman, knowing that she, too went though that. While I'm sure they still tape my room constantly, I know no one watches it. Won't say how, but I know

Day 177-  
Got drug off to the farm again today. It was actually kind of cool-we got to practice driving. I know that sounds boring, but it was anything but. They have twisty roads, steep roads, slippery roads, even ones with fog wafting across them. And, near the end of the day, the head instructor chased us around the track while we skidded, turned, and spun out of his way. Did I mention that it was very cool? Did some practicing on street type situations, losing tails in alleys, and through spectacular maneuvers. Had a bit of trouble with the slippery roads, so I get to come back next week, as well.

Day 178-  
Back at the section. Not much happened today-wow, that sounds funny. Here I am, just at home here, nothing out of the ordinary, except that ANYTIME I SCREW UP I MAY DIE, AND THEY CAN MAKE ME DO WHATEVER THEIR SICK LITTLE HEARTS CAN IMAGINE. Okay, feel better; just was worried that I was actually becoming one of 'them.' Very scary. Robert isn't that bad, but he is basically subhuman-I know that sounds bad, but what else do you call it?

Day 179-  
Okay, I just had the scariest experience, and that's saying something considering where I live. It was weird, too, kind of surreal-something I knew would happen eventually, and even wanted it when I could look forward to it, but when it actually came....  
I was sent out on a 'training mission' with three recruits and an upper level operative, my job was to assist Jason with planning initially, then go in the field with the recruits as the on site leader. Kind of cool when you think about it-kind of weird, since it was my first real mission without Robert. So, this place was supposed to be cold-you know, fairly safe for inexperienced recruits to go in and not get their heads blown off prematurely. Well, the intel was wrong; we were walking into a trap. The intel must have been fed to us by some organization-we're not sure which one yet-to thin our herd.  
The profile was good, for what we had to go on. Jason would stay in the van and assist from there while the four of us would enter the building, get to the basement, and investigate the computer facilities there-supposedly it was old information, something at recruit training level, and only of minor importance to section.  
As we entered the basement, I knew something was wrong; I couldn't put my finger on it, but the hair on the back of my neck was standing up. Jason reassured me there were no other heat signatures in the building, and directed us to the computer room. Inside was my own personal nightmare.  
The door slammed shut on us right after we entered, trapping us in a tiny sweatbox. Then, a faint ticking began, beating in time with my heart- until I realized what it was.   
A bomb. Not any fancy C4 or semtex explosive, just your every day, run of the mill TNT-couldn't even spend money on us, I guess. I quickly found the device, and had the recruits start looking for a way out of the room-I know, long shot, but was worth a try. At that point, our comLinks went out: great.   
Unable to find a quick exit, I had them look for other devices just to get them out of my hair. The device was fairly basic, but explosives class didn't linger much on the 'old-fashioned' ones. Luckily, I've hung around Walter enough to know how to figure things out, and had it disarmed in a few seconds. Unfortunately, the recruits found the second device-and there was only a minute on the clock.   
Ack, thinking about it still gives me the heebie-jeebies. Two triggers, C4, lots of wires, and a horizontal tube. I focused on it until it and I were almost at one; scary. Looking up after disarming the first trigger, I saw the three recruits, all standing around me looking anxious and hopeful as I worked; as if my actions would decide the fate of the world. Although, I suppose for us, it was true.   
Seconds...ticking....away....the last one was hard, keep it level.....don't ground anything out.....be careful to not cross two wires.....can't see anything in this cramped space....ten seconds....which one is the important one?....a circuit is made up of.......to break the circuit without activating.....six....the mark of a good explosives expert.....four.....need to commit.....snip.  
Two seconds left. Jason found the external door control, slapped me on the back, and we went home-after making sure there wasn't any good intel on the computers, of course.

It's just so weird...the look on their faces as I worked. So hard to explain, but to them, I was everything for that one minute in time. Best not get a big head, or one of them will kick my butt in karate next week.

Day 180-  
Haven't really listened to the radio for a while. Not really; they don't exactly supply us with sound systems and all the latest CD's. Suppose some of the more industrious would make radios or other devices intended to cause trouble. Unfortunately here, ingenuity is rewarded with torture and death, not bonus and promotion. Hell, I doubt even our big cheese gets to run by the seat of his pants very often. Not that pants are all that smart.   
Was that a sense of humor I spy? Wonder what it means...

Day 181-  
Wow, this is the second day in a row this has happened. I'm starting to wonder if this is really a mission, or if there is another reason for it. Last night, Robert called me into his office, and asked me to get dressed. I considered pointing out that I was already attired, but thought better of it when he handed me a handbill for the club-did not want to miss out on this, even if it was a mission.   
So, we make it to the club, sit in one of the booths lining the walls, and relax. He tells me we are there to watch for some guy, and slides a picture across the table to me-nothing impressive, just your basic thug. Ok, no problem. The band is jamming, and the dark lighting and smoky atmosphere made me almost forget who I was. Then, surprise of surprises, when the waitress comes by, he orders us two beers like it was no big deal. Like we go out all the time for some tunes and a brew. Blew my mind. And he did it tonight, too. Can't wrap my brain around this one, just is not going.   
Didn't see our guy, by the way. Tempted to look him up in the computer to see if he really exists; but, I don't think I want to know the truth.

Day 182-  
And I thought real life was confusing; it's got nothing on this place. What is that old saying about truth being stranger than fiction? Well, this...semi-fiction is stranger than anything I've ever known. Or seen.  
Today was another day, nothing exciting. In fact, it was almost boring it was so routine. Scary. Went to work with the new recruits with sensei, did some tutoring on German verbs with Kaylee, then sat in systems all afternoon working on a disc my great master gave me. I will never get him; one day, it's like I am the best thing since sliced bread, but the next day I barely exist. Have no idea what to think, so I don't.

Day 183-  
You know when you are sure you know something, but then when it comes down to it you start wondering. It's not even a real uncertainty of talent, it's just, I guess, the shock of being on your own. Something you yearn for years and years, but when it finally comes, you're not sure what to do about it. Now I know why freed birds come back to their cages.   
I'm on my own.

Day 184-  
It's not too far from section; guess they figure they can't trust me with a car yet. Top floor: after being underground for so long, I get vertigo just looking out my window. Not sure what to do with my time now; I mean, I still have to report to section every morning to assist with the recruits, but after I'm done with my tasks for the day, that's it. Nothing. No wandering the halls, no hanging out in systems 'just because', no meditating in my room trying to find ways to piss off the surveillance people. Now I can sit in my own place and figure out how to piss off the surveillance people.   
I guess it's not too bad, but still kind of scary. Section walls, while they are confining, are also comforting.

Day 185-  
Okay, you know how young birds, when they get to be a certain age, get their asses kicked out of the nest? I mean, they're just sitting there, looking over the edge, flapping their wings, thinking about trying to fly, and their parents just up and kick them over. Can you imagine what that poor bird feels? She knows she is a bird, like her parents, and that they fly, but as the ground comes closer and closer, the possibility of that not being the logical conclusion becomes ever more real....until....the wings catch a current, and off she goes.

Still wish I had a car. Something about a credit limit, though, and there is NO WAY I am going to stick with the lame stuff that was in there when I came.

Day 186-  
Okay, I'm very happy I don't have a car. The guy in the coffee shop on the way to section is SO CUTE, and.....I think he likes me, too. Man, I feel like a junior high girl-well, except for that whole deadly secret agent thing. Suppose I could use the old line....if I told you, then I'd have to kill you...except in my case, it would be true.  
Well, my absence from the posh high-tech apartments at section hasn't stopped Robert from working me like a dog. Apparently now he thinks if he's going to keep me late at all, it needs to be overnight. argh! Does this man not have a place to sleep!?!?  
Wow, getting testy in my freedom. Better chill, or it'll be history.

Day 187-  
Oh man, I had a whole day off today!! I think the last time I had one was when I got hurt a while back. It went way too fast; and slow, at the same time.   
So, went for a bagel and coffee at the shop, where HE works. When he brought me my stuff, he winked, and left his number. WOW! Now I have to think about if I'm going to call him back, and when, and, and, and....oh man, can I go into the shop tomorrow, and if I do, how do I act?  
After that flattering experience, I toured the city by bus and metro. It is so big, with so many people, but there are art galleries and museums, and an opera house, oh, and thousands of shops. The people aren't rude, but they definitely leave you alone, which is nice for me, since I am trying to be as low key as possible. Although I was so happy today, I don't know how that could have been missed.  
Got some really great stuff for the apartment, and they had this same day delivery thing, so I am now sitting at my very own oak desk, in my very own leather chair. Too cool. Got some plastic plants: everything else around here dies, but I'll bet plastic plants can hang in no matter what.

Day 188-  
I have this vaguely unsettled feeling deep in my chest. No idea where it came from, or why it is there-maybe I know somewhere this life isn't what I was meant for. The scariest though, is the possibility that I was; I think that's the true meaning behind my disquiet.   
Ever wonder if I'm on drugs?

Day 189-  
Okay, so I finally called him-I was so scared! One would think that I would be over that emotion by now, but this is a whole different animal. Even the valentine training I had doesn't compare-this is not a mission. At least, it had better not be, or he won't live to see his next birthday.  
OMG, did I say that? It really gets under your skin, this pervasive sense of doom. Even here, in my own apartment-which, of course, is monitored by section.   
I love to give them a show, walking around without clothes on, or taking off my clothes where I know they can just see a little bit. What the hell, if you're going to be watched, might as well have some fun.

Day 190-  
Round numbers are good. I like round numbers. 2 is a good number, also, like two people going out for dinner. Or two people dancing the night away until two am. And no more than two hours of sleep before the phone rings for someone I so do not want to know-not with two hours of sleep.   
It was great, I loved it, he is so sweet! We went to this run down dive of a restaurant that had the best Chinese food I've ever had. He was a brilliant conversationalist; I felt so comfortable talking to him, it was like we had known each other forever. Initially we were supposed to just have dinner, but walking home-it wasn't far-we saw a flyer for a new band playing a few streets over. Found out it was definitely planned, since his sister was the lead singer; but I didn't care, they were great, and we had a blast hanging out with them between sets. At two am the club closed, and we reluctantly shuffled back to the apartment. He very gentlemanly left me at the door with a kiss on the cheek, and winked as he walked away. Sigh.   
We'll see what happens now, but I am so thankful for a magical experience like that.  
Of course, two hours later, Robert calls-what is he, psychic?-and orders me in for a flash mission. It actually would have been kind of cool had I not been near comatose.

Day 191-  
Och! Odd numbers are bad!! The short mission I was called out for the other day segued into a three day long mission in the mountains. I have absolutely no idea where we were, except it was very high, and we couldn't get there by helicopter. Now, I don't know what other people think, but I'm guessing any place not accessible by helicopter is not worth it anyway. I would have mentioned that to Robert, but he didn't appear to be in a good mood-well, for him ANY mood would be a start, but still. Apparently the hostiles got to it via a gondola, which I am sure was a lovely ride with a beautiful view they never appreciated; being the uncultured heathens they are, of course. (Right? That's what they tell us, anyway. And section is always right, at least to their face.)  
Well, after mountain climbing, kicking bad guy butt, and rappelling back down the slope-the gondola kind of got blown up while we were fighting-my body thinks it's been through hell and back. Maybe it has, but not in the way it thinks.

Day 192-  
Man, I totally forgot how nice it is to sit and listen to some swingin' jazz...aahhhh.... A nice, quiet evening at home, with nothing and no one to attend to. You know, an occasional selfish evening is good-keeps the soul clear.

Day 193-  
Why is it that just when you think things are going to be okay, everything comes crashing down around your ears. It's like you can't even get ahead; I don't know, I suppose I shouldn't complain. At least I have a place to live, a 'job' to go to, and people who at least pretend to love me.  
However, that really cute guy from the coffee shop, remember him? Well, I saw him walking down the street hand in hand with someone, and it wasn't his sister. If it wouldn't piss off section, I would practice my interrogation skills on him; but section frowns on activities that gather attention. Pity.

Day 194-  
ARGH! I can't believe I am doing this!! Just because coffee-boy pissed me off, I am foregoing well roasted, beautiful coffee for section shit. I can't stand this anymore, the sludge is congealing at the bottom of my stomach, making it hard to work. Or is that a broken heart?  
Thank God Robert is ignoring this; I really could not deal with him talking about this right now. I can see it-you don't need anyone but section, outside people are too different from us...bla bla bla

Day 195-  
Trying to focus in karate takes on new meaning in section. Got my ass kicked because I happened to not notice sensei invited two others into the fight along with us-we were going over multiple opponents. I was a great example of why you should be aware of what's going on around you. Ouch-hurt the ego. Good thing he knows me well enough to let me continue coming back-well, that, and the fact that I did proceed to kick their butts.   
Robert caught me on the way to lunch today. He looked at me like he knew everything that was happening-felt a mix of chills and comfort. All he said was 'I'm sorry', and squeezed my arm as he walked off. Somehow I knew he wasn't talking about this morning.

Day 196-  
ARGH!!!! I AM A REAL PERSON!!!! I HATE it when the recruits look and treat me like I am some unblemished role model. I am not perfect, I am not God; I am a human being who happens to have worked her way up the slimy chain of section just like they will be in a few years. I suppose if I thought back, I might have acted that way toward my superiors as well. I mean, they are there to train you, but they have such control over you-if you have a bad day or good day, whether you live or die. But it doesn't really help. This is me I'm talking about; I know I'm real. Aren't I?

Day 197-  
I am missing the last few entries in my journal. I know I wrote in it when I got home from the farm, but I just can't seem to find them. I hope Dragon lady hasn't stolen them, although why would she just take those two? Could be to mess with my mind a little more. I'm sure they know about it, but I really don't care; if I wasn't able to do this, I don't know where I would be. Probably blown to bits somewhere I wouldn't be found.

Day 198-  
Had a good day, blowing off steam in the gym. Whipped several recruits, then had a great session with the man himself. Must have been a slow day for Robert to have come spar with me. I love it when he does; no holds barred, he beats me every time. So much to learn from this man.

Day 199-  
Had to get new boots today. You know you work a lot when you start wearing out the equipment. wow. Has it really been that long? Has it been that long since Sam left? I suppose I haven't been able to think about it with all of the stuff I've been doing, so I haven't thought about it really. Try not to. Maybe stopping by the coffee shop tomorrow won't be too bad.

Day 200-  
Yesterday I missed Sam so much. I'm almost happy Robert called me in. Something about going over a profile for our next mission, like he needs me to check his work. Whatever; I will never understand that guy. Of course, he might just understand me more than I'd like. That's a chilling thought, Robert knowing me better than I do.   
So after we discussed the problem, and he helped me devise a profile, he-rather uncharacteristically ordered dinner. Hell, I never knew they delivered! I suppose when you become a loner workaholic they'll do anything to keep you in your office, and working. That was mean, especially after he tried to console me; I'm sure that's what this was all about-how he knew, I have no idea. The scary part was that by the time I realized what time it was, it was way too late to get back to my apartment. Good thing they never really move you out. Or is that a bad thing?

Day 201-  
There's this vaguely unsettled feeling I have. No idea where it came from, or what will make it go away. I had downtime today, Robert made me stay away from Section; not that he had to twist my arm. Although, the way I've been feeling lately, maybe he did have to-I could really see myself spending all day in the dojo. Not that I did much at home, just rested, tried to read a little. You'd think that would make me feel better. Makes you wonder, doesn't it, when the things that should relax you, don't.

Day 202-  
Went by the coffee shop. Had to, so tired, and I hate making my own coffee; just not the same as a barista made latte. But, I didn't give myself any extra time, so I wouldn't be tempted to stay and talk. Or kill. One of the two.   
He was there. Luckily they were very busy, and I was able to order from some chick and get out. I think he saw me. Didn't even try to decipher the look on his face. Not worth it.  
And, I wasn't even late. How's that for running to section with a hot coffee in one hand, and a bag in the other?

Day 203-  
I think I've been here forever. At one point, I may have had a different life, but I can't figure out what it may have been. Not a clue. And the funny thing is, as much as I feel unsure about fitting in, I can't imagine being anywhere else. Not sure, but I think that makes me one really screwed up human.

Day 204-  
Some days I get so frustrated with the crap that goes on here. You'd think after dealing with it for the past...well, however long I've been here....I'd be used to it. Maybe I should have even figured out how to deal with it, and learn to play the games. I guess I just thought that when I made it past 'recruit', I wouldn't have to deal with so much shit, and people playing games. What it turns out to be is that the games are more subtle, and ever so more dangerous. I still try to stay out of it as much as possible-this life is stressful enough without looking for difficult situations.  
Got coffee again today.

Day 205-  
Wow, it's like a ghost town here. Well, it was, anyway, at section. There was some big thing going on, and a lot of the operatives were out. Even some of the ones who usually are glued to chairs were gone. Didn't hear a thing about it, though, so I have no idea what's up. Just did some computer work, then back home for a long nap; boy did that feel good.   
Robert didn't say anything, but he looked stressed. As much as he can look anything, that is.

Day 206-  
Being out of the loop is good, at times. No worrying about what to do, or who's going to do it. On the other hand, it can occasionally feel as if the world is passing by, and you're just the spectator. Not that the outside world has stopped moving since my entry into section, but I mean MY world-section. Once you've been somewhere so long, there just isn't anything else. And however much I enjoy not having to do the planning for some of these things, it makes me lose contact with the only world I have. Scary, huh? Two years ago I would never have imagined myself wanting to be involved in section.

Day 207-  
They're back. As far as I can tell, we completed the mission-whatever it was-but you couldn't tell by looking at anyone. Lots of wounded, and some dead. Apparently one of the big Level 5 guys was injured, the mood around here is even darker than usual.

Day 208-  
Back to abnormal. Robert called me in at o'dark hundred to go over data and work on profiles. Usually I would have chalked that up to him really not knowing what time it was, but this time I think he did it because he was cranky. This was a perfect example of shit rolling downhill-boss man putting pressure on him, so he puts pressure on me. And I think several other poor souls, although I am definitely an easy target for him-I HAVE to work with him. Not that he was unusually harsh, he just seemed as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Day 209-  
There's nothing like some good old music to get your spirits up. Those guys in the 50's really knew how to make you get up and dance. I suppose that's when things were fresh and new? Maybe not. Section life can really get you down, and I was blue most of today-until I flipped on the radio when I got home. Funny that.

Day 210-  
Good mood today. Mostly. Stupid computers were possessed or something. Took me 3 hours to do what normally would take me one. And try telling that to Robert-yikes. Really, though, I think computer geek boy turned up the sensitivity on the touchpad because it was going all sorts of directions while I was still trying to figure out where I started. Did see a shadow out of the corner of my eye once... I definitely need to find out where he's working so I can respond in kind.

Day 211-  
Computers still possessed. However, I think I know where he is...bwa hahahaha. You know, this should make me angry, but the bit of fun this adds, really makes things better. I know, though, not supposed to have fun in section-not allowed. Guess that's why so many people give up so quickly. Not that I don't take this seriously, quite the contrary, but I find I'm a bit quicker when I feel relaxed. Well, as relaxed as one can be here.

Day 212-  
Aaahhhhhh.....forgot how much I like a good book. Stopped by the coffee shop on the way out of section-Robert gave me a half day off, must be sick. Coffee boy wasn't there, so I sat down to enjoy my drink in one of their plump couches-you know, the kind you sit down in, and sink out of sight. Wow. Randomly picked up a book from the coffee table, and immediately got sucked in. Brilliant book set in the 1800's with horses, and boys, and honor. I could write a dissertation on the similarities of the constraints on women in those times and section, but I think I'll stay in my fantasy world. Have to go to bed, anyway, stayed at the shop until I finished the book.

Day 213-  
Almost skipped out at lunch to go to a bookstore. Then I realized Robert might be a little perturbed if I bailed on him. Bad idea, pissing off your mentor. Not that I don't think up ways to make life interesting...Finally found computer guy. Was going to make his life interesting, but he cut me off with some very helpful shortcuts. Alec is such a dork; gotta love him.

Day 214-  
Really loving these shortcuts geekboy gave me. Robert actually looked surprised when I handed him my research; usually would have taken me an hour longer. Just gave him a sweet, innocent smile, and went on my way.  
It's been quiet, mission wise, kind of weird. Not really sure what to think about that. I mean, it's not like they'll lay us off when business gets slow, and I know world events aren't any more fuzzy than they have been. The scary part, of course, is what happens if they really do downsize-taking up room in cemeteries, not unemployment offices.

Day 215-  
You know, real life can be such a downer; especially after living in a fantasy world. I think I should stop reading, or at least read books involving monsters or people killing each other. Next to them my life would look, ah, about the same.   
Coffee boy wasn't in the shop again today. I wonder what happened to him.

Day 216-  
Sometimes I read back, and realize how dark my life is. Was going to write something else about how busy it's been, and how much other operatives have been pushing my buttons, but...feel compelled to make a non-depressing entry. Going now.

Day 217-  
Yay. Another day. Waiting in systems. Need a certain disc to finish my work, but data retrieval is taking their sweet time getting it to me. I would be mad if I wasn't just so completely empty. I used to wonder why they treat operatives as nonhumans, but now I know-we aren't.

Day 218-  
Haven't had a chance to go by the coffee shop lately. Even if coffee boy was jerk-like, he still offered actual human contact. I miss that. Robert doesn't understand that; not that I've talked to him about it, but the way he talks, he wouldn't understand. When his situation is so much different than mine, how could he? Just frustrating when you get shit from all sides from people who don't even think. Like their goals are my goals-who the HELL said that? I suppose they think it's understood just by being here. Whatever.

Day 219-  
Just got back from an overnight mission. Most of it was traveling, but there was some interesting when we finally got to the warehouse. Just a few guards trying pathetically to hide the secret entrance we already knew was there; one would think a terrorist cell would be better prepared. So, in and out, not bad. But tired as hell-very hard to sleep in the mission van-packed with people and gear. Not to mention the looks I get from Robert when I do nod off-have I mentioned he's no fun?


	9. Day 220-384

Day 220-  
Stopped by the coffee shop after what seems like ages. Felt like I needed a note from my mother or something, the way they looked at me. Love that place, talk about really feeling included-even if they do just want my money. Think I spied coffee boy in the back briefly; whoever it was, he looked very busy.

Day 221-  
Well, I've been put in charge of martial arts training for the new recruits. Sort of. Sensei is getting some sort of surgery-they never tell you what around here-but they assure me he will be back within a week-not holding my breath. Robert isn't exactly thrilled about losing part of my time, but I can tell he's kinda proud. Besides, he has all of my other hours, you know, the ones where I am usually sleeping. The sad? thing is, his opinion means a lot to me. I know I have been helping out a lot, but it's a bit different being the big kahuna. Fun, though, in a small amount of freedom way.

Day 222-  
I never thought I would say this, but I just wish things would get back to normal. You know, when things are going smoothly; go out on a mission, come back, train some, have downtime, back out. It's a lot easier on the nerves. I know it sounds weird, but when the chaos is controlled, it really helps.

Day 223-  
Saw coffee boy today. Briefly. I miss that warm fuzzy feeling - the way down deep one - that comes with being loved, and safe, and comforted. The wrapped in a bear hug in front of the fire feeling. He made me feel like that. Briefly. Until he walked into the record store on the other side of the street; saw him from afar, he didn't notice me. Better that way-no disappointment.

Day 224-  
I love spring; the fresh smell in the air, the baby animals everywhere, and the sense of hope and promise it brings. To bad in my life there is neither hope, nor promise. Well, not of anything good, anyway. Unfortunately the bad guys-whichever side that is-don't take time out to smell the roses. Too bad, maybe they wouldn't be such assholes then.

Day 225-  
Robert caught me being all happy-oops. Stuck me in systems doing all sorts of lame research, some of it kinda difficult. You never realize how hard it is to find a needle in a computerized haystack until you're the one who has to find it. Oh well, got to chat with geekboy some, and that was good. He has some spunk left-being in computers kind of protects them. Well, everyone except the top dog, he is always here; I think he even lives here-full time-that would suck. But I guess he deals, in his own little dysfunctional way.

Day 226-  
Wow. Just got back from one of those long missions; traveling in the plane, then on the ground, then waiting and watching, and watching, and watching... Tiring, even though we don't do a whole lot. Maybe it's because you have to constantly be paying attention, no time to let your mind relax-who knows. So, now we go back out tonight for another mission. This one is blessedly short; well, supposed to be, anyway. Funny, when I thought Robert was being mean stuffing me in systems the other day, turned out it was intel gathering for this mission. Frustrating: if I knew more about what was going on, I might be able to deal with everything better, but I do understand why they don't tell me. argh!

Day 227  
Wow, never thought I’d say this, but I like section; in that comfort zone sort of way. I might be the frog boiling to death as the water gets hotter, but at least I know where I am. I think that makes me sick in the head-there, they’ve got it, got what they want. I feel sad, and relieved, all at the same time.

Day 228  
What do you say to someone who wants a ‘more exciting life’? Can’t tell them they don’t, that’ll only make them more inclined to do something stupid. Can tell them more exciting usually means 3 out of 4 chances of getting dead, but if I’m supposed to be out of work, why would they believe me? Guess I could tell them the real reason...and then they would definitely find out about excitement-assuming they made it out of training. Lady in the coffee shop today who sat beside me talked about that. I just did the nod and smile thing, knowing she’d never really have to know what it’s like. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.

Day 229  
Robert has been really busy lately; missions, or something. Haven’t seen him in days. I miss him, almost feel lost without him; not that I’d tell him that, of course. And no, I am not in love with him. It’s just, like he’s my best friend in that screwed up section sort of way, and, well, I miss him.   
God, that sounds pathetic! I really need to find myself some humans to hang out with. Coffee boy should be back from vacation soon.

Day 330-  
I have this vaguely unsettled feeling; like I want something, but I'm not really sure what it is, so I can't whine about it.   
Was raining today, would have loved to sit by the window and watch it, but, work goes on.

Day 331-  
God, I wish I had someone to talk to. I see so many people every day, and yet none of them are real. Real in that I will never be able to talk to any of them. Half of them are too scared to talk to me, the other half don't give a shit-that is, if it weren't dangerous for me to tell them how I feel, anyway-not to mention that they wouldn't understand anyway. Almost better to complain to the stranger next to me at the coffee shop-except that would get them killed.

Day 332-  
I am so uncomfortable with my emotions. Used to think it was because of Section, that having to close them off all the time made me that way. Of course, that was deceiving myself; I've never been okay with them, since I was little. Funny the things we carry with us. Now the question is - how to fix it, or do I?

Day 333-  
Wow. Just had the coolest mission. It was just Robert and I, and he let me lead it! Well, he was there to help me, but still. Funny how things that seem cookbook just totally aren't when you are the one who has to make the decisions. Scary kind of, because I had to make the decision about disposition of the contact.

Day 334-  
I knew I shouldn't have gotten a big head about that mission; I spent all of today in systems trying to track down and understand intel on ocean weather patterns. joy. You know that story about the guy who carries the tent poles? He thinks he has a stupid job, but in the end it turns out it's a really important one after all. People tell you that so that your microscopic life will mean something to you. Well, guess what-doesn't help. I still am not amused; although now I know the eastern coast of Africa will NOT be the place to vacation this year.

Day 335-  
There's this state where the world I think in is different than the world the rest of my head is in. It's like, if I think fast enough in my own world, 'reality' doesn't matter. Sounds crazy, but it's hard to explain. Most of the time my reality is okay, not the best, but alright. Sometimes, though, it...well, it feels like I have been sentenced to hell.

Day 336-  
Man I scare myself sometimes. So, the other day, I help out this contact, no big deal, right-keep him around for the next time we need him. Well, now he is so friendly to me, and thinks I am the greatest. Not that I wasn't just being myself, but now there's all of this pressure to perform, and just be what he thinks I am. I actually wished-for just a second-that we had gone and cancelled him; then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this crap. Then that scared me; I actually would rather kill someone, than face the idea that the person people see, and the person I am, are one and the same. Those are some very scary, very deep issues that I don't feel at all prepared to face.

Day 337-  
Still trying to get over all of this, this emotion thing. Make it go away! Much easier to deal with life when they aren't there messing things up; when hurt, in love, hating, offended, things are just so much more difficult. Without emotions, I wouldn't have any trouble with who I am, who I think I am, what am I.

Day 338-  
Some good old-fashioned getting the bad guy work. Nothing like spending time surveilling, chasing, and shooting to get your mind where it's supposed to be. God, I love it. Kinda scary, right? Used to think those people who liked their jobs-read not completely miserable-were somehow damaged goods, but now...now I think maybe we're the only sane ones.

Day 339-  
I can't handle this; there is no way I can imagine that would effectively get everything done. I used to think there was no such thing as overwhelmed, but I was so wrong. Not only work, it's just everything put together that makes me want to step in front of a train. What the hell was I thinking when I decided to be her friend, I mean, she doesn't even know who I really am; she can't ever understand what I do. Isn't that what friends are for?-talking to, and getting crap off your chest? Oh, but now I have to sit and listen, and spend time with her talking about this or that-stuff I will NEVER get a chance to experience, much less complain about. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, but damnit, it's not fair. It's just not fair. And some people would think this was an exciting life.

Day 340-  
Shit really does roll downhill. Man, I was walking home this morning, minding my own business, when this cat goes running out in front of me. Must have been scared by my footsteps, but the freaking thing ran right under my feet; made me trip, smash my face in the ground. Just what I needed, no scratches from fighting with terrorists, and a stupid cat breaks my nose. Couldn't control my temper, poor thing was cowering on the ground, and I kicked it. I am disgusted with myself; can't believe I did that, poor helpless creature... Just when you think something is beneath you, that's when you do it. God, I wish I hadn't done that. Is this how it starts?

Day 341-  
Wow, I just read that last entry; makes me sick. I want to be normal, want to have a boring, typical life, with the picket fence and the dog and 2 kids. Oh, and the loving husband who always makes me happy. What a thought, huh? I suppose everyone wishes for that-whether or not they admit it. Not that it's sitting there, waiting for you to take, but it's an ideal; I guess. Man, I have got to stop drinking that after dinner wine; or, maybe it's that I shouldn't have started drinking it...

Day 342-  
I'm noticing a pattern in my thoughts; almost don't need to write the journal anymore, pretty much says the same thing. You know, 'poor me, why am I here', then 'I love this life.' Monotonous? It could be. I suppose it's the trading back and forth between them that makes it interesting, and the never ending flow of new and ever-weirder events. Like today, for instance, walked into Robert's office to give him a report and caught him humming a tune! It took me a few seconds to recover from the shock; not only that he was happily humming along, but that it sounded good! Wonders never cease.

Day 343-  
There is nothing better than hanging out in the coffee shop, watching the world pass by; immersing yourself in the lives of other people. Well, in my imagination, anyway-who are they? where are they going? how do they live? There are some, however, that are not at all pleasant to be around-the snuggle bunnies. Well, that's what I call them, the ones who can't keep their hands off each other, almost having sex in the middle of whatever public venue they are at. Not that I deny being a voyeur, mind you, but not when I'm trying to drink my coffee.

Day 344-  
Oh, man. This moving the body thing is not a good idea. The one really good thing about section and its obsessiveness about its operatives is that they take good care of us. By that I mean that they have a state of the art gym, life-like simulators, and-my favorite-well designed hot tubs. Nothing like soaking your troubles away, watching them float off like the bubbles on the water surface. Although, the recruits do look at me a bit odd when I come to class looking like a prune; hey, maybe I look like a wise old sensei, and it makes them respect me more. naahhh...

Day 345-  
Hungry. Very hungry. Gonna starve soon. I wish there was, like, a snack bar in the mission van. You would think they'd have power bars, or something, at least, to keep us going; but no, they apparently didn't think of that little design detail. But there are cup holders-really. Just boggles the mind.

Day 346-  
I think I'm driving myself crazy. Running my mind around in circles, just thinking that if I can get the idea straight in my head it'll work; I'll understand what it is, and believe it. The whole thing with forgiveness-even the word looks funny. I can forgive almost anything someone does to me; I mean, they can treat me like crap, and I still love them. On the other hand, if I do just one thing wrong, I kick myself forever, and think what a bad person I am. If I can just imagine in my mind the idea of someone-me, really-forgiving me for something, anything-then it will be true and I can be human.

Day 347-  
Sensei took over my class today. I don't really know why; he's been letting me do almost all of the recruit classes recently-maybe that's why I called it my class. But when so many hours are spent molding and forming the uninitiated, you can't help but lay claim to the finished product-or the product-in-progress. Of course, there's the possibility they won't succeed, but not much thought is given to that one-it would invite failure.  
I'm just afraid I won't be needed anymore. I mean, Robert has been gone a lot lately working on who knows what, and I've only been pulled for a few missions. I know I have been doing good work-haven't I?-wouldn't they tell me if something was wrong. Wouldn't they? Even in this sick world, knowing where I stand, that last tendril of security, is all that keeps me from the bottom of a bottle.

Day 348-  
Was listening to some music today; same CD we used to listen to back in the 'good old days', back home, back when the most difficult thing I had to do was decide if I wanted to climb the tree, or sit under it. Got that warm fuzzy feeling remembering the sun on my skin, the smell of lilacs in the air, good friends by my side. Man those were great times; memory still crisp and clean, if a bit rosier with time.  
When the CD finished, it was...it was quiet...still...empty.

Day 349-  
This was a great day-it was. Well, was having fun with some of the other operatives until someone brought up my past. Don't know how it came up-seemed kind of sudden-but just one innocent question was asked. I am so glad no one else seemed to hear it because I felt about three feet tall. And my usual answer didn't work, he knew enough about that sort of thing to know there was more to it. So, out it came, quickly, honestly; I was horrified inside that I was doing this. It was one of the lowest points in my life, one I am not proud of. Talking about it brought back those feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, pain-deep, gut wrenching pain. I don't know if he thinks less of me because of all of that, but I know I do. Try not to, I've made it so far since then, but those nagging doubts... I just hope I never have to think about it again.

Day 350-  
Found out today my parents are splitting up. Of course I would find out, section knows everything; and, well, maybe I've been checking up on them now and then. Not that I'd admit it to anyone-hard enough to even think about-but I still love them. So, I guess my 'legal situation', and early demise was too much for them. Guess I shouldn't be surprised, a lot of marriages don't survive the death of a child. I'm sure they were blaming each other for my obvious failure.  
If they only knew. Glad they don't though; thoughts of them bring up memories I would rather not have.

Day 351-  
So now, they have expanded my tutoring to include the whole recruit class. Scary. I don't have responsibility for all subjects, but enough. I mean, their training is in my hands; they will learn skills and intel from me that will someday save their life, either on a mission, or on review. So I have to do my best, have to make sure I know it cold. Their lives are in my hands.

Day 352-  
I LOVE a good fight in the morning, really gets the blood pumping. Sensei is out again, for whatever reason, and I get to fill in for him. For some reason, this isn't as stressful as the class work, maybe because most of it is just running on autopilot. Sometimes, in martial arts-heck, in anything-thinking too much can really screw you up. But isn't that a lesson not easily learned.

Day 353-  
Okay, entries lately have really been sounding like I live in some fictitious wonderland of normalcy. What a lie. Still, it's nice to pretend that my life isn't at risk at every second. I wonder, though, why am I so different? I mean, there are other people as smart as I am, but they are out on missions every day, using their knowledge and skills. I've only been on a few missions the last few weeks, and even those weren't A level. Not to tempt fate, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop-am I...not good enough? doesn't Robert think I can handle stuff? haven't my numbers been high enough? But if my performance wasn't at least satisfactory, I would definitely know. This isn't a place you have to worry about going around half cocked, if they don't like you, you wake up dead. Still, I can't help but think Dragon Lady has some sick, twisted hand in this.

Day 354-  
Dreamt in German for the third night in a row. Robert started talking to me only in German a few weeks ago; which was a shock-the him talking to me part. Was starting to feel abandoned-sounds sad, doesn't it? Like I can't be a person on my own. Whatever. Wonder what he's up to?

Day 355-  
Just tired. So very tired. Sometimes I wonder how they do it, those higher level ops who seem to be all energy. Robert does so much, always working, and he never wavers from that quiet, calm demeanor. I can't be the only one who feels like this, can I? And why is it hitting me now, and not several months ago when I had more missions? At least I still have enough energy for teaching class.

Day 356-  
Okay, that was the most terrifying moment of my life-and that's saying a lot considering my life. Got called into Dragon Lady's office. Robert was there also. Good thing I am used to breathing under pressure, or I would have been purple in a heart beat. Terrified-what was happening, what were they planning, would I be walking out of that room again and if so would it be wholly intact? Still not wholly comprehending what they told me. I'm supposed to go where? And do what?

Day 357-  
Still trying to wrap my brain around all of this. I can't grasp the concept that I am going to have to leave my *home*. Well, in the way that section is home, anyway. Excited and scared at the same time, and sad. I'll miss Robert, and sensei, and teaching my classes. Won't miss Dragon Lady, although she's never far away. Of course, that's assuming this mission takes longer than anticipated, but I can really see that happening, or them deciding that I can learn other stuff there. Not sure I want to be a deep cover op. Talk about lies upon lies upon lies. Not only have I given up my previous life, but now I will have to suppress the only thing I know to become a character in a play. Nothing real, no one solid, just...a shadow of someone you thought you knew. Rips me to the core, I need to *be* somebody.

Day 358-  
I will be taking civilian transport from London to Berlin, where my new employers will meet me. As they are a highly secretive bunch, we have no idea where I will be headed after that. Apparently the head man, a Mr. Kofner, has several homes, and does not prefer any one of them. He usually lives with his son Peter, age 9, and several body guards. As is typical of well moneyed men who like to kill indiscriminately, he keeps his son in the dark as much as possible. Lovely. And who am I in this dramatic play? What part will I play? Ah, well I will be playing the part of Karla, tutor extraordinaire.

Day 359-  
Dang, I love flying first class. Not that I've done it before, but this initial experience is great. Apparently, as well as living in comfort himself, Mr. Kofner allows his employees certain comforts as well. Either that, or he's trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Weird. Okay, now I am feeling uncomfortable again. Said goodbye to everyone, that was sad. Couldn't even say when I would see them again; not that we ever really know we'll see anyone again, but not having a specific endpoint is unsettling. Checked in on my class-mine, right-and they seemed to have a good enough teacher. Saw coffee boy chatting up a girl in the coffee shop, so didn't even stop. I guess the world goes 'round without me just fine.

Day 360-  
Not sure why I still number these by day; not like they resemble at all the real number of days I've been under. Maybe it's because it gives me the illusion of regularity in a life which is anything but.  
Okay, this first class thing? Fun-but gets old after a while.

Day 361-  
I was dead. My life passed before my eyes. Nothing I have been through up to now has ever made me this...helpless, this...lost. Even on missions it wasn't that terrifying; sure, scary when there were bullets aimed at me, but it was something I was prepared for, and knew what I was walking into. This, this was...heart is still beating wildly as if it was desperately trying to get in its allotted number of beats before it was stilled forever.   
It was a total surprise. I had finally made it to my destination after hours spent traveling in the plane then car. Looking forward to some nice bonding time with my new pillow, I was a bit surprised when they halted me in the foyer. Shouldn't have been, of course, the fatigue from the trip making it an excellent time to do that final-very final-reference check. This time, it involved them asking me questions about my 'life' while a bug detector was passed over me and my luggage.  
When they found it, the smug comfort I had, until now, been feeling was ripped away. Fear, cold, gripping my heart as a gun was pointed at my head. A bug. In my suitcase. Shit, what the fuck do I do? They didn't tell me they were putting a tracker in there, what, who? Section went to a lot of trouble to get rid of me; send me this far, with such an involved cover and identity, and then have me canceled for something as stupid as this? No, it couldn't be. Play it cool, shit, what would a 'real' tutor do-how would she act? I-don't-know...I've never been 'normal.' Right?  
Whatever I did though, or didn't do, as the case may be, worked. They appeared to believe me, for now anyway; I'm sure they would have been suspicious of me just because I was new. Makes sense, the planting of the bug. Mr. Kofner is under suspicion from a variety of police agencies, so they would have been suspicious if there hadn't been one planted on me somewhere. Right?   
Oh, God, how am I going to make it through?

Day 362-  
He gave me a few days to 'rest' before I need to start the lessons, and I am so glad he did. Feeling a bit frazzled, which, I suppose, is a good thing in a way; any 'normal' tutor would be if she had a gun pointed at her head. That wasn't a big deal to me, it was the fact that there was a bug there. Still not sure how it got planted, but I think it saved my life in some really twisted way.   
Spent most of the day in and around my rooms, which are huge. I suppose in relation to the rest of the house they are tiny, but they are about as big as my childhood home. Makes it a bit lonely, in a way. Lonely, anyway, missing my ?family?-whatever they are. Probably miss them because it's the only thing I know. I wonder, when I have to go back, will I want to?

Day 363-  
Wow, this place is beautiful! Some old castle that has been renovated to give the discerning bad guy all the creature comforts. Somehow-and I'm sure this is a closely guarded secret-they have managed to get rid of the drafts. There are these huge stone walls, with their narrow passageways, and shallow steps, and not one draft. Weird. Most of the rooms have been comfortably appointed, with beautiful tapestries, lush carpets, and soft leather furniture. My description pales in comparison to the real thing, which is straight out of a fantasy. Well, a Grimm fairy tale, anyway.

Day 364-  
I have this odd, unresolved need hanging about in the pit of my stomach. It's one of those where you just know you need one specific thing, and can almost place it, but it just won't come; no matter what you try, that isn't it. Like if I just read some great work of literature, and yearn for more. Maybe it's because my life is a work of fiction, has to be. Why would I end up here otherwise, in this palace, waiting to be turned back into a pumpkin?  
I know he is keeping a very close eye on me, I would if I were him. Still not forgetting who I really am, and why I am here-wishing I could, though.

Day 365-  
Damn stupid ass dog! I have to remember to shut my door completely when I go out, or I will be forced to kill the stupid mutt in a brutal and evil fashion. Not that he isn't a great dog, but when he comes in, eats my papers, and pees on my bed at every opportunity, I really have to reevaluate my attraction to canines. Well, at least he didn't get all of my journal, just the last few entries. Not really sure what I had been saying, since I don't usually reread it until later-a lot later.  
I do remember, however, something about me trying to figure out Mr. Kofner. It went along the lines of I know, logically, that he is into a lot of really bad stuff, but just from what I've seen, he just can't be the same person. He is such a loving father to his son, treats his workers respectfully, and has been nothing but pleasant to me. Just, I'm still trying to be careful, and remember who I'm dealing with-well, who section tells me I'm dealing with, anyway.

Day 366-  
This woman came to the estate today. She got here around dinner time, which frustrated me, since I was promptly uninvited to dinner. Tonight was the first time since I have been here that I was excluded. I know it shouldn’t really upset me, I mean, not like I am part of their family, or anything; I’m just the tutor. Yah, right, of course it upsets me-I mean, how else can I get close enough to get the intel I need.   
Not a clue who she is. Trying to find out, but they actually have a shadow on me tonight. Not worried too much, if it were a guard, then I would be worried.

Day 367-  
Have I mentioned I am really into this living rich thing? Today Mr. Kofner's personal masseuse, Paul, came by for an appointment. Since he happened to come by while I was updating Mr. Kofner on his son's progress, he allowed me to stay in the room while Paul worked-so we could continue our conversation, of course. Since massages usually relax people, I was hoping for even tidbit of information, but nothing of any consequence came up. Not about work, anyway; did hear one really interesting thing-that I could have a massage, too. Yes!

Day 368-  
Wow, that last entry was quite frivolous, wasn't it? Suppose we all need that at times, just to forget about all of the 'real' stuff that's going on. Received some testing materials today for Peter; not anything he needs to pass right now, but in the not so distant future. Kind of hit me, when I was looking through them, that I have this child's life in my hands. I mean, his future, how he gets along in the world, is up to me. I know that may sound a bit egotistical, but it's also true; if he learns well now, he'll get into a prestigious university, and do well, and... Of course, that's assuming his father doesn't pollute him first.

Day 369-  
That woman was back today, and yet again I got promptly uninvited from the family meal. At least Peter was in there, so I might hear something about what happened later on. Or not, he didn't talk about her last time.   
And now, I've been asked to stay out of a particular area of the property, which is just way too weird. They have it cordoned off with what looks like a temporary fence. Haven't been able to get around to sneaking in since they have been very careful with security, even going so far as insisting I have a chaperone when I'm outside-something about large mammals with claws being seen recently. Whatever.

Day 370-  
Got the weirdest message today. Apparently my 'uncle Robert' was 'in town', and wanted to see me. Which would be great, assuming I had an uncle Robert. Knowing it is section, it is less than exciting; just something to ruin my little fantasy life. I mean, I know who I really am, and why I'm here, but I'm a nonexistent person playing a ficticious person, so a little fantasy now and again isn't unwarranted.   
So, Mr.Kofner generously offered to fly me to the Munich house to meet my uncle-that's where I'm currently supposed to be, based on the tutor agency's records. I've been really surprised that he hasn't grilled me about Robert, but I suppose he's already checked him out as much as possible, and will be following us in Munich. Does that mean he trusts me some, that he doesn't immediately interrogate me? Or just that he's a really good actor?

Day 371-  
Well, that was a lot less painful than I thought it was going to be. Got to the house with a few hours to spare, so I could make myself acquainted with it. 'My' room is upstairs, and overlooks the most beautiful garden; part of the central courtyard of the house. Now, I know this wouldn't really be my room-it's too nice-so I wonder if he's trying to make my 'uncle' think I'm in good hands. Funny.  
But, Robert made it here, and we hugged and chatted just like we were close family. It was odd, but strangely comforting. When I mentioned the secret project at the 'summer house', he told me not to worry about it; which was very weird, didn't ask me to check further, didn't say what it might be, just, don't worry. Very confused. Maybe I'll get more out of him tomorrow.

Day 372-  
To quote a well known children's book-things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser. Robert had, unsurprisingly, expressed some interest yesterday in meeting my 'boss', Mr.Koffner. However, since I thought he was conducting business in Brazil, I thought his request would pass unfulfilled. Well, was I wrong; this morning I woke up to the smells of breakfast being cooked for none other than the man himself. Said he had gotten done early, and wanted to meet my uncle-I'm sure he did. So, the day was spent in the house, observing two alpha males verbally sparring. Quite interesting, highly entertaining, and a bit distressing. The last bit especially when I thought I heard Robert asking him something about his intentions toward me. But since it was a fleeting moment I can't even be sure I actually experienced, I will remain relaxed, but weary-God only knows what Section is up to.  
Suffice it to say I was very glad to see off my 'uncle', then get in the helicopter for home. I can definitely do with some relatively normal days for a while. (normal? that's asking for trouble, isn't it?)

Day 373-  
Ah, blessed day of normalcy. I could really get used to this; although, that would be the problem, wouldn't it? If I didn't know better, this would be such an ideal place. But I do, or think I do, since I haven't really seen anything yet of this 'vicious, terrorist leader' that is supposedly my boss. Even if it weren't true, and I did want to stay, there is no leaving section. Ever. Not alive, anyway. So, back to the mundane things-perhaps interesting is good after all, that way I can't do much reflection.

Day 374-  
Oh man, I now realize one really good reason to not fraternize with strangers-germs. Stupid flu, or something, I caught while visiting Munich. Haven't felt this bad in a long time, and I really hate the helplessness that goes along with it. At least I'm here, God only knows what they do to you in Section. So far, I've been kept in bed, with Peter acting as my personal butler-he's such a good boy. Even Mr.Koffner has been in to reassure me all will be okay until I'm better. You know, I hate feeling sick, but I could really get used to this pampering. Bad idea, I know; getting up tomorrow, no matter what.

Day 375-  
Right. I think getting up no matter what was probably a bad idea this morning. Got about halfway through the day, and that was it for me. Oh well. This way I get to sit and feel all cranky; this sick this is getting old. My mood is apparently so foul today, even Peter hasn't been here much. Getting a grip now.

Day 376-  
Ah, feeling much better now. Having a little guilt over being so cranky yesterday, but everyone assures me it was no big deal. I wonder what they're comparing to. Not that I have ever seen anyone, especially Mr.Koffner, get even mildly upset, but you never know. I am the poster child for pretending to be something you're not; almost makes me feel a bit guilty. No, it doesn't; there is 'supposed' to be something going on here, and I will just do my best to find it. I will.

Day 377-  
This was such a lovely day, birds singing, sun shining through the trees. Luckily the paths are well cared for, and weren't too muddy after the rain yesterday. They still won't let me near the project, although today I did hear some sounds from there. Couldn't make much out, except for some machinery noises.

Day 378-  
Mr.Koffner let slip today that the project was almost done. Well, perhaps 'slip' was the wrong word; a seasoned veteran 'terrorist', as he is supposed to be, would never say anything he didn't mean to around outsiders. Or, could it be (she thinks with much glee) that he is starting to trust me? Then I could get the intel and get out of here. Nope, that does not sound attractive at all. I really need him to not be so nice.

Day 379-  
Tension is running a bit high around here. I'm getting the feeling that something is about to happen, but I can't tell what. I can't even tell if it's related to the project. Yah, I'm getting a lot of intel here. argh!

Day 380-  
Oh. My. God. I just....I can't.....I......brain on meltdown. No, brain definitely not working. Reality just not doing it for me right now.

Day 381-  
Almost coming to grips with it now. Still just dumfounded; thinking about being angry. Now that I start to think about it, wanting to cause harm to certain humans. Question is, will I see him again, or is the little pimp going to hide out?

Day 382-  
And you know what really fucks this all up? It's that, if it were real, it would be so perfect. But it's not; it's sick, and demented, and wrong, and I feel like a cheap whore. Hell, I'm a free whore; he hasn't paid for me. Well, not yet-I'm sure there will come a time when he will pay in blood. Who's, I don't know. And all I can think of is Robert 'giving his blessing' to it all. He knew. He KNEW when we were in Munich that this was going to happen, and didn't say a word.

Day 383-  
I have to give my answer soon, or he'll think my hesitation means no. It's not like I don't like him, I mean, everything I've experienced here so far has been an almost perfect life, which is why this is all so terrifying for me. When he brought me to the fence (around the area they'd been working in), I was expecting to be shot, or interrogated, or maybe just see some sort of 'evil terrorist center' like I'd been told was there. I was NOT expecting an array of foliage so stunning I had to stop and catch my breath. Was not expecting the cedar hot tub next to the stream with tree ferns waving softly over it. Was not expecting to hear the soft crunch of shoes on the path as he knelt in front of me, and asked me to marry him.  
It's just that I know this is not the answer to my wildest dreams. This is my worst nightmare. Loyalty to section? to family? what family? And worst of all-who am I, really?

Day 384-  
Fucking section. It's not enough to run you into the ground, they have to drive you slowly crazy, as well. Of course I told him yes; not completely suicidal. I know section is as behind this as they possibly can, I just wonder if they had this goal in mind from the start, or if it was a happy byproduct of the original mission.  
Wedding is in 8 weeks. I have until that time to figure out how to keep everything separate in my head, or I'm afraid I will start to believe it's true. The thought of having sex with Mr. Kofner, Max, makes my heart run cold. Not that he's not handsome; under any other circumstances I'd be in his bed in a second. It's just... having to be there...


End file.
